Balancing Dominant/submissive Dynamics and Evolutionary Needs

A long time ago I had to learn that there isn't ownership of a sub toward a Dom, and that jealousy is the death of happiness in a D/s dynamic.

I own my pet, but if he tried to own me it would create an awful dynamic. The very definition of Topping from the bottom is a sub attempting to control the actions, decisions, and interactions of their Dom.

It is not the role of a submissive to dictate My behavior; it is My job as the submissive's Dominant to act in a manner that keeps my submissive safe, cared for, satisfied, and which encourages that submissive to grow and evolve in their life, both Kinkily and personally.

When there's open and consistent analysis and conversation, this dynamic can flourish. I use the word analysis because there's a very high degree of consideration, introspection, and comparative critical thinking that's necessary to maintain the delicate balance between a Dominant and submissive, especially when the Dominant maintains a stable of submissives rather than interacting purely 1:1 with a single pet.

When I've been topped, or when I'm owned, I enjoy knowing that I don't have to be jealous because the concept simply is inapplicable.

To be owned means to let go of the need for control, not only over yourself but also over the other person's emotions. You become a cherished possession, but not an equal or dictating force. It is the peace of a servant, pet, and slave to be told, to listen, to adhere, to receive, and to give permission to their Dom for such a power exchange to occur.

I'm of the belief that the typical Dominant individual craves the constant variance afforded by polyamorous/stable interaction with several submissives because it allows the Dominant to flex different styles of dominance, play, and influence, thereby building Her/His repertoire and continuing to evolve.

When jealousy and shut mouths enter the fray, even the most caring Dominant and submissive/s relationship can fall to pieces. Jealousy is the deadliest emotion for a submissive, often turning their love for a Dominant into a need merely to fend off any other submissives who would "steal" or "lessen" attention for themselves. The solution, in my own experience, to jealousy is to realize that each pet is cherished as an individual, not as one of several identical possessions.

We don't wear one outfit, eat one meal, or watch one television show. We don't adore one song, one artist, or one instrument and forsake all others. We thrive, as humans, on variety and the ever evolving variances in our own tastes, abilities, and desires.

Submissives, realize that your greatest asset is your individuality and unique talents - they are what caused your Dominant to choose you, spend time with and on you, and care for you and your needs.

Dominants, remember, if you wish to continue to grow and also interact with a growing number of submissives: be sure that you can appreciate, care for, and encourage each of them to the best of your ability while also receiving what you desire.

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Ask-a-Domme : Why do people like pain?

"Why do you people like pain? If I stub my toe during sex, I totally lose my flow!"

Ok. Let's start with the basics.

Your pain from stubbing your toe is incidental/accidental pain, and the act of stubbing it was not a conscious or premeditated act. It was an accident, it was unplanned. The pain in your foot is nothing you would ever consider sexy, for you or your partner. I think I can say with certainty that you do not become aroused at the thought of stubbing your toe/someone causing you to stub your toe or someone else stubbing their toe.

Pain, in a Kink/BDSM setting is intentional. It is choreographed. It is a known factor, when it is included in play. Pain is tempered with pleasure, because it brings pleasure.

I often find that the term pain is misleading because it is so purely negative in vanilla conversation. Let us say, rather, that pain is more accurately defined as this:

The elongation, prolongation, reinvention, and intensification of pleasurable stimulation that, when used effectively, allows a fulcrum between the extremes of subspace and total awareness.

"But, seriously, why do people like it?"

Ok. Let's get past basics.
Plainly stated, people like extremes. We like huge cocks, giant boobs, triple cheeseburgers, all-you-can-eat buffets...I could go on. But we like lots of what we love. And we love sensations.

Possible analogies: The pain from a Wartenberg wheel is amped up tickling. The pain from a spanking is a ramped up pat on the ass. The pain from suction is a hickey on steroids.
I think you see where this is going.

Pain comes in every intensity level imaginable, and it serves as a way to stay in the moment. Pain brings focus when  used swiftly and sharply between sex acts. It's like sorbet between courses - it cleanses the palette.
It can also be the main course. Pain can turn into pleasure as the body and mind begin to reinterpret repeated blows as foreplay or as the flesh becomes numb and only the pressure is left without the sting; pain becomes titillation as the nipples are always clamped directly before stimulation of the vagina/anus.
Pain can be craved as punishment in Mommy/Daddy play, schoolgirl/boy play, or any number of such roleplay lifestyles/scenes. It's the release, the endorphin/serotonin rush afterwards that provides the sexual pleasure following a psychological purge.

Stubbing your toe isn't fun - but I think you'll agree that biting, sucking, tickling, and a bit of slapping can feel amazing when done in a safe, sane, and consensual environment.