i'm Thankful for Kinky Sex

This Thanksgiving, I'm going to be honest.

I'm going to give thanks for some of the things that aren't discussed around the turkey-dinner over cranberry sauce and plentiful amounts of alcohol.

That's right - it's time to be thankful for kinky sex: cerebral kinky foreplay, chats that turn a little window into full-on subspace, biting and scratching and whimpering and CUMMING.

I'm fucking thankful!

I'm thankful for toys - the metal, the plastic, the vibrating, the insertable, the bejeweled, and the beautiful.

I'm thankful for implements - the whips, the crops, the paddles, the floggers (oh, THANK you for the floggers), the canes, and the hairbrushes.

I'm thankful for the subs - oh those sweet masochistic and deliciously giving submissives!

I'm thankful for My pet - my sweetest toy, my most wiling first-timer, my darling puppy, and my perfectly muscled pony.

I'm thankful for my inspiration - D.M. Dewey, Ruffled Sheets, Marabelle Blue, and Sir Ken.

I'm thankful for every single person who has opened up, and talked about their kinks, with me.
THANK you, yes YOU, for feeding my never ending quest to revel in the sexiest corners of your mind!

And, as always, thank you for, so willingly, allowing me to help you explore them, too.

A Call for Change and Determination

As Dommes, subs, Kinksters, fetishists, sexual beings, human beings, lovers, and professionals, we cannot stop at pleasure.
We cannot stop at the exchange of touch and sensation.

We have to move farther.
We have to think bigger.

We have to come together, as a community, not merely in a communal search for partners and those with whom we can play, but as whole persons - productive members of society who are capable of carrying the dialogue of BDSM and its benefits beyond the secrecy of our respective bedrooms.

I see and hear and have experienced so many stories of individuals who felt despair and fear as a result of their proclivities. Whether because they did not know how to find what they needed or because they entrusted those needs to men and women who were either malicious or uninterested in truly providing a safe, sane, and consensual atmosphere, they found only questions and doubt instead of fulfillment.

This trend of fear must be put to an end.

I have an idea.
It's just a seed, right now.
It has the potential to grow.

I want to find all the professionals, all those with education, experience, articulation, and interest in bettering the world for ALL of us.
I want to find community leaders, those who believe they have the capacity and ability to change the atmosphere of secrecy in a Vanilla world.
I want to begin the process of developing safe havens, centers for education, truly productive associations that are not based on hedonism alone or recovery alone, but where ALL who wish to learn and grow in their BDSM/Kink lives can do so as WHOLE PERSONS.

My background is in Speech Pathology. My work in the medical field informs my work as a ProDomme EVERY day. The compassion and analysis I brought form that field to this are integral to my work and cannot be denied as factors that inform my interaction with clients and students.

We cannot continue to live in a world where our sexual preferences defines us and keeps us closeted.
It is not an option. We have to pool our mental resources.
We have to apply the creativity present in our sex lives to our everyday lives in order to make the two sides harmonious.

The separation must end.

Curvaceous Dommes and the Comfort Effect

"i wanted share with YOU one phenomena about me that i believe i share with many other subs:
The desired ideal FEMALE figure for worshiping and to be controlled by is totally not the common "most sexy" FEMALE type.
In various magazines the "most sexy" female will be a model in her 20's: tall, slender, perfect smile etc... i [find that] not attractive at all.
 For me, a girl in her 20's cannot be a divine GODDESS. the ideal GODDESS will be in her 30-50's, [with a] strong look and feminine figure.

 i wonder, what are the roots for these different views?"

An excellent observation, and also an excellent question.

I agree with this submissive in that, in my experience, it has been a complaint of most IRL clients that their former Dommes were "strippers with whips" or some other phrase that clearly indicated these women were in great shape, but talentless. Heretofore, I had dismissed it as merely a dig at their talent with implements, but now, I'm reconsidering: could it be that the dig is also aimed at their less than curvaceous bodies? Is this dig also ageist?

It makes sense, as we break down the common goal of a session with a Pro: the client is seeking comfort.
He's seeking sensation and security and hopefully some great recovery time in which a bit of holding is involved; an embrace to keep in his memory as he walks out the door.

I have never encountered a man who wanted me to be thinner. That embrace, that presence, that feeling of security - all have been reinforced by my curves. My breasts, legs, and backside are all soft, curvaceous, and inviting. Dominance does not negate the lush nature of a woman's body, nor should those who are Dommes believe that they have to turn into ice cold bitches in every situation. Let's face it, Dommes and subs, there's a HUGE desire for the MommyDommy experience. And there's NOTHING wrong with that.

MommyDommy, for those who have never heard me use it, is a pseudo-derogatory term that most people use when describing what I call a Comfort Domme, Courtesan Domme, or Sensual Domme. These Dommes don't focus on pain or humiliation, but rather on providing an environment in which they take control, but in an inescapably gentle way. They call the shots, but they also keep their subs in a state of total security.  Control is wielded much like an alpha female mother: with total conviction, a solid plan in place, and with a high degree of physical shows of affection.

If the Domme is quite young (early twenties) and very slim (size 4/under), her physical appearance may not signal that same level of comfort and security as an older (30 -50 yr old) Domme can supply just by walking in the room.
Younger women's appearance may signal to the client's brain:  "uh-oh, too young...she hasn't been doing this very long, so how do I know she'll be any good?"
Even the chance of the Domme not knowing what she's doing can put off many potential clients. No one wants to be Topped by a newb.

I believe many submissive men enjoy a woman who is larger, curvier, and older because they want her to be bigger than their need and wiser than their stress: a Goddess who can rearrange sensation and bodily response in order to create a new subspace for her client.

It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

"What do you think of the word 'slut'?"

"What do you think of the word, 'slut,' Madame?"

Ok - this may be rant-worthy.
Get a beverage, relax, and prepare accordingly.

Let's start with an initial reaction:
I love the word slut.

I love the way it slides through my teeth, rolls off my tongue, and cracks off my hard palate.

Sssssss-llllll-uT.

It snaps a sub's head around, when uttered out of nowhere.
It makes men blush, when they hear it applied to them, for the first time, and then they blush even more deeply when they realize it's a compliment.
Slut.
It tastes good, it feels good, and it is visceral in its sound.
You cannot say it gently.
You cannot sugar coat it.
Slut.
It's a damn fine title, and a delicious way to tell a pet exactly how proud you are of their overt sexual need.

Now that I've gotten my excited self out of the way, let's look at this word in a different context.
Slut.
I've been called this, by an attacker.
Slut.
I've heard it said in disgusted whispers by women who wish they could let go of their Puritanical hang ups, but instead simply look down on those who have let go.
Slut.
I've heard dozens upon dozens of women tell me that an attacker/abuser used this word to demean her; used this word as justification for hurting her; used this word to label her as someone who deserved rape.

There's no denying it - in the vanilla world, in most of the world, this word is not used as a compliment.
It's used to keep sexual women, or anyone else who does not conform to strict notions of sexual propriety, in a tidy little four letter box of shame.

I say, fuck that.

Fuck. That. Noise.

I say, slut is a fantastic word that needs to be reworked, overhauled, and taken back.
I am, by no means, the first nor the last person to say this.

I'm not saying that women should parade about and happily proclaim that they are sluts, because, frankly, out of play, the word doesn't carry positive mojo.
We can't use what we don't yet own - so easy on wearing shirts that say slut to the club - it will probably not work in your favor.
Is this ok? No. You should be able to wear whatever you damn well please, but I'm living in the real world where wearing a shirt with SLUT printed across the boobs will garner you either multiple gropings or some serious shit talking, neither of which I would enjoy on a night out.
But hey, if you want to do it anyway, I salute your fortitude and hope you get out there and change some minds!

But back to the happy place of slut.
(Sssssssssssslut)

I can't help but imagine one of my clients, on all fours, drooling with a plug in his ass, shit-eating grin on his face, looking up at me and positively BEAMING when I call him a slut, and say it with a smile and a pat on the head.
He's earned that title.
He's earned it by allowing himself to ENJOY his sexuality.
He's earned it by not giving two tenths of a shit about what society may have to say, regarding his personal proclivities.

I think of a young woman who learned how to enjoy the word slut during sessions:
How she would blush at first when it was used, but then worked harder to earn the right to hear that title.
Who let go of her embarrassment, poor body image, and insecurities and LOVED HERSELF enough to get slutty, which really just means getting free.

In the end, Slut, to me, is a wonderful word because it means that the submissive has let go, entirely, and has asked, begged for, and enjoyed what they need, and done so without reservation.

Let us be proud of our submissive sluts - and let's never shame those who responsibly reach that level of freedom.

Who's Got the Power?: Power Exchange and Mutual Responsibility

Power exchange is defined as a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's obedience, thereby instilling happiness and mental peace for both parties through defined roles during play.

Power and authority must be willingly instilled/bestowed from one person to another.
The power is not taken, it is not forcibly turned into powerlessness.
It is willfully, actively, and consciously given to another person.

The caveat being, of course, that it can be taken back with a single utterance of the safeword.
Only the submissive can decide, with finality, her/his limits.
Those limits can be tested with consent, but never without it.

The interpersonal power of the Dominant relies upon the willingness of the submissive, but the great inherent power of the Dominant resides in her/his will and self control.

As a Domme, I strive for ultimate control over my own actions during a scene.
Do I allow passion to color my decisions?
Yes - I would stagnate otherwise.
But using passion is vastly different than being consumed by passion.
Being consumed is for the submissive - consumed by pleasure, by pain, by subspace.

There is mutual power, in the D/s exchange - it can never be forgotten that being on one's knees NEVER negates one's boundaries, or that the gift of Dominance should ever be flippantly accepted.

Too often I am privvy to stories of interactions in which a Dominant had no regard/respect for the desires of the submissive.
Alternatively, there is no lack of stories during which submissives attempt to top from the bottom and became frustrated when they were asked to truly submit or seek another partner.

It is a decision to give up power, and it is a heavy responsibility to accept that power.
When handled openly, honestly, and with mindfulness, the exchange can be complete, giving the much needed release and control desired by the submissive and Dominant.