Online Domination - What makes it work?

Domination that is distance or online regulated is a highly intellectual experience and, therefore, requires not only imagination but also creativity and problem solving in order to maintain excitement between partners.

The cornerstone of this relationship is mental attraction, with each partner taking on the responsibility of mentally stimulating and motivating the other. Typically, it must be two evenly matched individuals to ensure that long distance D/s play succeeds - boredom is the enemy that can only be kept at bay by constant invention.

When partners are mismatched (for example, the sub having little exposure to mental play or the Dom having less experience than the sub) it can be taxing to maintain the freshness of interaction or the pace at which the relationship can grow. When a pair is evenly matched in both expectation and dedication to interaction, there is fertile ground for a growing and rewarding relationship.

 As with any D/s interaction, there is a process through which the ability to interact over great distances or online are proven. There must be proven worth, from the submissive especially, showing that s/he is capable of adhering to commands without physical check ins or inspections. Honesty is paramount in both sides of this equation, and time dedicated to interaction must be rationed until a deeper level of commitment has been deemed appropriate.

It's in this beginning phase where a D/s dynamic is tested for the mental aptitude that will be necessary to keep up the sexual momentum of those first heated textual exchanges that so often begin online interaction.

 I took the time to ask one of my online submissives to tell me about his take on online submission (with an emphasis on chastity), and the following are my questions and his answers. Enjoy!


For how long have you engaged with a Dominant Woman online?

Well, we met online over 2 years ago, but I only started submitting properly 18 months ago. This was my first and, like all relationships, it can take a while to recognise absolute compatibility. With something as serious as chastity, neither of us wanted to jump into something that didn't have any future or potential.

 What drew you to such an interaction?

Mutual interests, first and foremost. We started to chat online about domination, BDSM, D/s relationships and such like initially. Then, once we started to delve a little deeper into our fantasies and interests, it was clear that we shared many of them. It was so refreshing to hear someone else describe their desires almost as if they could read your mind.

What makes chastity erotic? 

That's a tough question! I find it very ironic. The fact that someone denying my erections and my orgasms arouses me never ceases to make me smile. Part of it, certainly, is the control. Having any aspect of your life controlled by another is, to someone submissive, wonderful. If it's of a sexual nature then it's even better. For me, having the most sexual part of my body controlled is simply fantastic. Being erect and achieving orgasm are both such amazing feelings that having them controlled is an immense turn on. It makes them so very special when they do happen. Mentally, I notice a change too. After a couple of weeks there's an increased sexual arousal that I only have when denied. I love it.

What is pleasurable about another person controlling your ability to become hard? Your ability to have an orgasm? 

That's the submissive part of me that enjoys those aspects of it. I love being controlled and being controlled sexually is an unbelievable high. Physically I may be restrained, but mentally I'm more turned on than ever whenever I'm told I'm not allowed to get hard or not allowed to cum.

Are you always honest with your Dominant?

I try to be. At first, it was difficult when we talked about subjects and turn ons that I was, initially, embarrassed about. Once I realised that there was no need for shame, it became a lot easier. Nowadays, we both try to be as honest as we can with each other. Of course, we still have bad days and there are times when I have had enough and just want to break the lock, remove the device and make myself cum. I try to be honest about those feelings, we discuss them and then move forward.

What makes it easier/harder to talk online?

I think it's easier to find a compatible person online as you can speak honestly about subjects that are usually considered taboo and not be afraid. You can become a member of a specific niche erotic group from the comfort of your own living room and meet likeminded people. Once you've met, it doesn't matter if you chat online or in person as you know the other's interests and need not be afraid to talk about your desires. AlthoughI think, for me, it will always be a little easier online.

Are you more or less open online than you are in person?

More, for sure. It's easier to be honest behind a computer, for me anyway. Certainly initially, when you have nothing to lose. You can have an online identity and keep your personal life a secret until you have built up enough trust.

Have your desires evolved since you began being Dominated?

Definitely! When I started I was interested in chastity, orgasm control and anal play. Since meeting, we have discovered that I'm very much turned on by other things that were deeper inside me. Things I didn't realise or know about. Cuckolding, for example. I'd love to be there whilst my Madame is intimate with another. We have also discussed activities that, not too long ago, I would never have even entertained. Things like forced bi. I could be told to drop to my knees and perform oral sex on my Madame's partner whilst they kiss. Before we met online, I would never have even entertained such a thought. We've talked about this when we meet. I must admit I am very, very nervous about having my first sexual experience with another man, but I would never have even talked about it a while ago. We've discussed cuckolding and forced bi for when we meet. She'll be with her man who has a frighteningly large, pierced penis and how she'd enjoy watching me suck my first cock. I'd then be tied to the bed face up and she'd lie on top of me in a 69 position so I could pleasure her with my mouth as her man slide in and out. We've also talked about other things, like public displays of affection. One of the things I'm most looking forward to is meeting her for the first time, bowing down and delicately kissing her feet. My desires have also become grounded, since being dominated. For example, as much as I'd enjoy it, I know I will never be allowed inside her. The most I can hope for is to be there whilst someone else pleasures her in that way. I also know that the strict orgasm control will continue. As much as I may fantasise about being stroked and edged every day, the reality is that I may be granted an orgasm (if I'm lucky) and it may or may not be her giving it to me. She may just permit me to jack off quickly in front of her, which would still be wonderful.

What has contributed to this evolution? Your Madame? Your self? 

I think both of us, but it's more her recognising things in me that I didn't know myself. She could see how submissive I was before I even knew it myself. She could tell things about me, traits she recognised through experience, that have come true. It's been eye opening, for me.

The Empathic Succubus

This piece was written in order to better explain my own Female Dominant mindset. Hopefully, it opens doors in the minds of my readers, both the Dominant Females and the submissive males, and all in between.

Do you know that being an empathic succubus leaves me in a rather enviable predicament?
Whatever you feel, I feel, and draw out of you back into myself.
Every twinge, every small thrill, they feed me and ensure I return, night after night, to crouch over you and settle myself over your cock.
Your pleasure becomes mine, and never truly belongs to either of us.
Feeding on your energy keeps me satisfied only for the length of time during which you are aroused.
Once that has passed, I must feed my addiction and use your brain and cock, again.
You're a feast, one that is replenished only to be repeatedly devoured.
How does it feel to know that I feed on you, even from a great distance?
Crouching over your brain keeps my pussy, mouth, and mind very pleased.
It's what keeps me pulling the strings:
Knowing that you're an ever so willing victim.
So much of you craves control and so much of you loves to be at the end of strings
You are the only feast that never ends, and my pride furthers, in this:
You are the only one for whom it has taken so long to openly admit the need.
Now, my nights of riding you are feeding me, ten fold,
Feeding and feeding...
Your mind, sweet mouse, is such a decadently appointed playground.
I'll happily swing from your medulla, for many, many years.
Feed me,
And keep my brain and cunt ever so happy,
Your cock, your brain, your ever beautiful body
They have always been the toys of the darker edges of my brain.
You may as well revel in that fact.
Imagine me above you,
Willing you to give me everything of which your body is capable,
Energy dark and your mind in its basest need -
That's what I draw out of you.
That's what keeps me fed, whole, and satisfied, if only for a little while.
Your darkness is so very beautiful, to me;
Your submission to both it and me gives me peace:
Your submission, your mind turning to me, is the most beautiful sacrifice any succubus could demand.
You see?
Poetry is not always a static thing.
Sometimes, it pours out from my brain to yours without clumsily written words housing the base meaning.
My beautiful dark victim,
My sweet mouse,
So eager and so caged within himself...
I love that I can bring you out and play with you,
Hold you tightly in the vise of my words and thighs and mouth:
The taste of you and your openness is the sweetest thing there is.
Know that I'm above you,
All the curves
All the suddenness
All the softness
All aching warmth
All I ever was.
You are the victim to which I return
Because you are the only one who never once begged to be taken.
And when the mood passes, the knowledge will stay:
You are, little muse and mouse, so many things,
Not the least of which is a prized possession.

Why Submission is Sexy

I adore using my pet like the delightfully willing and submissive boy that he is.
I revel in the fact that I have the privilege of using him in any way I wish.
I get off on the fact that my will is what dictates whether or not he gets to cum.

But, if I'm going to be perfectly frank, I also love knowing that he's submitting to me.

He's under my control.
He's under my protection.
He's just plain under me, most of the time, looking up and begging for more of what I, and only I, give him:
The ability to let go.

Submission is so damn sexy because it's what allows people to let go - and what gives other people (Dominants, I'm talking to you) the chance to get their fingers into another person's grey matter.

Submitting to me means that I get to roam around in your brain and then start using your mind to unravel your body.

Submitting to me means that I get to taste, touch, fuck, push, use, expand, overwhelm, and understand you.

Submitting to me means that I get to get down to the nitty-gritty, ever so hidden, darkest bits of your mind and run around with a flashlight.

Submitting to me means that I get to expose, excavate, and help you express all of the things you never thought were "acceptable" to want, say, do, or discuss.

Submission is sexy because it creates a safe space in which the craziest shit can happen.

Submission is sexy because it gives you permission to be whatever the fuck you want, and not be judged by me when I make/help you do anything we have the mental/physical capacity to enact.

Here's to the submissives, and their endlessly glorious mines of potential.

The Pleasure of Pain: An Ode to Spankings

When I think of spankings, I think of two things: transference and release.

A spanking isn't simply the sum of swats on a submissive's beautifully curved ass; it's a transfer of energy from one mind's body into the flesh of another mind and body. Each time contact is made between an open hand and softly taut skin, the bottom is receiving the energy of the Top.

When I am spanking my pet, especially OTK, I can feel the excitement vibrating from my shoulder to my fingertips. In the moments before I strike his ass, I relish the way his muscles tighten in expectation - it only causes my hand to fall harder. I know that I'm transferring my lust and excitement to him. I know that he can feel my blood pumping.

I know that my excitement makes him more and more excited.

That's the gorgeous transfer that all Tops and bottoms experience when they are truly present in the heat of a spanking scene. There can be no boundary and no limit to the amount of energy shared between two partners when minds and bodies are tuned to the energy that flies back and forth through harsh touch and well-crafted words.

Spankings are so often associated with "being naughty" or some other pretext that "justifies" the "punishment" being received by the bottom. To my mind, spankings and other impact play is not so much about punishment (though that has its place) but rather about imprinting someone for whom you lust with your own self.

The easiest example is physical marks: when you use a cane or paddle or hairbrush on an ass and thighs, there are warm, welted, red marks. They may last, they may fade, but in the moment of their delivery, they are the Top's physical lust living in the skin of the bottom. That is no small thing.

On to release.

The release of endorphins is, of course, a fabulous side effect of the exertion during pain. We feel the lash, we feel the impact, and our bodies instantly release these chemicals to relax us and diminish the pain.

Our bodies, it seems, are prepping us to receive higher and higher amounts of input in order to enjoy greater and greater degrees of pain. This is how pain becomes pleasure; this is how our bodies find release under the violently loving hand of a Top.

There is also the utterly unparalleled bliss of taking what your Top dishes out, and doing so in order to please the Top. When you take the hand, the lash, the crop, the cane, and any other impact play tool, you are performing and giving your body over to the Top's desires. You are serving in an extreme and whole-being fashion.

Sadism is not always met with pure masochism - often, the bottom endures the pain not because they find it to be the most pleasurable sensation, but rather because they want to earnestly to please their Top.

The bottom's pleasure and release comes from giving the body over to the whims, desires, and touch of the Top. Service and submission allow us to be made over by the desire of another, and in that makeover, we are released from our own desires.

We are released from being our own self, and are beautifully reduced and enhanced to a canvas.

A canvas need not think, need not plan, but only accept the pain and sensation that form the Top's art. Each handprint, each bruise, is a testament to the release found in reduction.

Sissy Beginnings - Questions, Desires, and Willingness to Work

Broaching the topic of sissy play can be daunting, especially for first timers, both male and Female.

The best attitude to take when a significant other, pet, or partner talks about sissy desires is one of openness.

Ask questions.

Be attentive to detail.

Be sure to exude and cultivate safety and security during all conversations.

I emphasize this because there is no way to understand or enjoy a fetish without first understanding where the enjoyment of that fetish comes from, both for You and your partner.

He will be nervous - and You may be slightly confused or thrown off balance - but the only way to move forward is without ambiguity.

Questions are the foundation of understanding where to start and how to move forward in exploring this new-found interest.

The more You learn about his own fantasies the more You’ll become aware that there is room for an immense amount of imagination, pleasure, and enjoyment for BOTH of you within a sissy play context.

Certain questions to ask that will bolster your understanding of his sissy desires, fantasies, and needs are as follows:

“What was it about Sissy Play that first appealed to you?”

“What types of memes, stories, and scenarios have you come across that you find to be most exciting?”

“What type of clothes are you attracted to when you think of dressing up as a gurl?”

“What are some of your own specific fantasies involving sissy play?”

“Are there particular fabrics, sensations, or items that excite you, when dressing up?”

“Have you ever thought of shaving, tweezing, and other modification type activities? If so, have you enacted any, or would you like to?”

“Do your fantasies involve women, men, or both?” (This question can be broached either at the outset or farther into the time during which you are both exploring his sissy desires. Often, the desire for one gender or the other’s involvement outside Your immediate control can fluctuate.)

The above questions are a jumping off point, and yes, they sound a bit academic. I trust that anyone reading will be able to tweak these questions to fit their own style of sissy-sleuthing. They are, by no means, a comprehensive list of points to discuss, nor are they all going to apply to every sissy. However, never be afraid of trial and error, especially when it comes to examining and discussing fantasies. More questions are ALWAYS better than too few.

Questions let him feel safe and to show him that you are interested in understanding his desires.

The greatest asset to a Dominant Female is a thorough understanding of her submissive. With a man who craves sissification, this is overwhelmingly true. He will, most likely, not fully understand his desires, himself.

This is not a bad thing.

If your partner is coming to you and discussing sissy curiosity, it is highly likely that you are the first person to whom he has expressed these desires.

Consider Yourself honored - it takes a very special Woman for a man to feel safe enough to disclose fantasies such as those involved with Sissy Play.

Along with that honor, don’t feel pressured to indulge every fantasy. Keep control and feel free to ask many, many questions and help him get to a point of knowing exactly what it is he wants. Then, sift through his desires and examine which appeal to You, his Mistress.

Next, You can refine a list of potential activities that satisfy both of Your needs. It’s not a one way process of him asking and you giving. On the contrary, you, as the Woman, have every right to mold him into your ideal Sissy.

Not only is it Your right to mold, guide, and lead, but it is essential to the process of him giving up control of his dress, affect, and sexuality as a Sissy. With You in control, he attains the freedom to feel safe when enacting his desires to feel, look, and BE feminine.

The process can’t happen all at once, and often it behooves the Domme to give Her sissy goals to attain each subsequent level of play. 

This can be a gradual escalation of physical modification followed by piece-by-piece building of lingerie wardrobes, or be as simple as allowing him to pick out one item of makeup at a time and having to earn the privilege of learning how to use each item over the span of a few weeks.

Every sissy needs to work. The effort reinforces the value of his transformation and the value of the time and attention being paid to that transformation by the Domme.

Remember: ask questions, listen, and insist on his personal examination of his desires.  Sissy play must be based in honesty and the ability to work hard in attaining transformation from masculine to Feminine.

Your job, as Mistress, is to cultivate Your sissy’s desire to become ever more dedicated to that transformation.

To be continued…

Being a Beginner Domme: Protection of Self and Establishing Boundaries

To the ladies who have just begun their journey into the FemDom role of Domina, Dominatrix, Madame or Mistress - I salute you.
You have decided to explore the aspects of your personality that feed into Control, Protection, Leadership, Imagination, Creativity, and the Administration of Skill.

A bunch of words, no?
A damn big bunch of words.

What does it all mean?
Where do you start?
How do you become the Uber-Domme of your, his, her, and that other person's dreams?

You start by not trying to become another person's dream.
Plain and simple, you have to WANT to cultivate your Dominant traits for you and not for someone else.

If a man or woman has come to you and asked you to be "my Domme" then they have started with a fatal flaw - asking you to do something for them, rather than asking what they can do for you.

The first lesson a beginner Domme must learn is to not become an on-call service for those who will use up or waste your time, talent, and effort.

I know this may seem counterintuitive to the image of the all-powerful slightly (or not so slightly) demanding Head Bitch In Charge, but many Dominas are what they are because they have an overwhelming desire to protect, heal, and give.

Those traits are often exploited by the insensitive, coercive, and overly-needy subs who have been in the game long enough to sniff out a woman who will give them what they want, but who will not expect them to give in return.

Always, always, always remember that you do not OWE a submissive anything simply because he has asked to "worship you, Goddess, because you are so perfect and I want so badly to be Dominated by you!"

See what happened there? That thought of worship didn't end with an offer of actual tribute, service, or worship. It ended with the submissive's desire.

Odd. Very odd. And downright counterintuitive to the way a submissive should approach a Dominant.

A Woman in Power should be brought tribute, compliment, sincerity, and supplication; she should NOT be presented with selfish demands sugar coated in flattery.

Keep your boundaries, and keep your self esteem, intact.
There is nothing powerful about a Domina who is topped from the bottom by a submissive who takes without giving.

I've discussed the all-giving dynamic before on this blog, but for you who are beginning your journey into the Power of a FemDom centered interaction or relationship, it bears repeating.

The only way this type of relationship will work, truly, is through massive amounts of communication from BOTH parties. It will only work if both people but the OTHER person first.

You cannot be a Dominant without being a caregiver.
You cannot be a submissive without being a servant.

When we examine those two titles, they are one in the same.
The Dominant serves the needs of the submissive, just as the submissive should care for the needs of the Dominant.

There is no way around the necessity of mutual giving.

To you, new Dommes, I say this: only interact with those men who understand that in order to be worthy of your time, they must prove that worth through service and a keen ability to care for your needs; otherwise, they have no business receiving the beautiful Control that you, as a Dominant Woman, can give them.

Tributes - Respect of Time and Effort Between Dommes and Slaves

When you think of a tribute, what comes to mind?
Jewelry, wine, gift cards, monetary deposits, services, or perhaps even traded talents such as webpage building or maintenance are all tributes that I've enjoyed receiving.

But it's not just about enjoyment, nor is it simply about me "using" a submissive for my own monetary, material, or status-based gain.

Tributes are the contract of good faith between a Domme and a sub, and especially between a ProDomme and a potential client. A tribute shows, in no uncertain terms, the worth that a sub places on his interaction with a Woman he truly wishes to serve. Tributes are the first and most basic form of service.

There is no service without sacrifice.
I want to make that point very clear.
The submissives who seek to receive time, effort, interaction, and assignments from Dommes without giving of themselves, their resources, or their talents FIRST are not only insulting but also blatantly ignoring the pretense under which they are operating - to serve a Woman.

What is service? It's making life better, easier, and more enjoyable for that Domme.

Service, in the case of Lifestyle Dommes and subs, could be cleaning the house, doing the laundry, fetching groceries, going on errands, filling the car with gas, or any other number of truly helpful tasks to be completed in order to make the Domme's life easier.
It could be manicures or pedicures, either bought for the Domme or completed by the sub himself. Pampering is always a highly valued form of service - it shows, intensely, that the submissive truly has put the Domina above himself and has taken pains to ensure that her comfort is paramount.
Monetarily providing for your Domme is, of course, a very clear form of service, and is the method of choice for many. But never discount the tributes of time, effort, and creativity from submissives.

Service, in the case of a sub and Domme engaged in professional interaction or FinDom, is clearly defined by the monetary offering a slave makes in order to receive time, attention, and interaction with a Dominant Woman. This monetary exchange, the initial tribute, shows the Domme that a client will not waste her time.

So often, far too often, submissive clients arrange a meeting, confirm the meeting, then do not arrive. There is no recourse for the ProDomme. There is no way of demanding money from the so-called client without engaging in blackmail, which (unless previously stated as a desired activity) is ethically unthinkable. The initial tribute, then, is necessary - much like a consult fee - to ensure that the Domme's time is not wasted.

Tributes are the first step in a submissive showing respect for the Domme, her time, and her talents.
It is no easy task to receive, analyze, and develop a method of delivery that will both challenge and ensure enjoyment by the submissive during a professional session. A Domme who takes her work seriously knows that there are hours and hours of prep involved, mentally, physically, and strategically. For a sub to not respect this time, and to merely expect this time to be given without recompense, is ridiculous.

Submissives, remember: you are asking a Domme to guide you, teach you, care for you, hurt you but not harm you, and give you access to the pleasure that you so deeply desire. You are asking for an enormous amount of individualized effort - never take that effort for granted, and in a professional setting, treat the Domme as you would treat your therapist, doctor, or any other person who takes both your mind and body into their care.

The Simiple Truth About FemDom

You have everything it takes to be Dominant, because You are already in charge of Your life and Your happiness.
The great myth of FemDom is that the Woman has to somehow transform into a whip-wielding bitch in order to Control a man.

Stereotypes would have you believe that only a certain skin color, body type, or style will enable you to make men drop to their knees.
Not true.
The simple truth, and the concept that eludes so many would-be Dommes, is that to be on Top means having the Will to be thorough, consistent, challenging, and sincere.

It also means you need to be fucking creative when you are giving out marching orders.

No two Dominant Women will operate in the same way, and that's the beauty of the Game:
You, yes you, get to make up the rules that best suit your goals and the goals of the men who crave your Dominance.

Get out there.
Be bold.
Rule the world, and the minds of men.

Training for Sissies - Discipline A Must!

Hello dear readers!

Today's post centers on a subject that is both fraught with nuance and rife with controversy - the proper way to keep a Sissy-in-Training in check.

(Alright, so there aren't THAT many folks up in arms over the proper technique for keeping our prissy little girlie-boys in line, but I've been privy to a few hot debates over the past two weeks, and I wanted to weigh in on where I draw the line during sissy training!)

To start, I will stress that, even when administering discipline, it is never ideal to be so harsh as to squelch a sissy's enthusiasm. After all, what makes sissies so appealing (at least, to My mind) is their incredibly sexualized drive to please. That being said, every eager sissy needs some molding to become the perfect suck-and-fuck toy for his Mistress.

Keep him reminded of his place: a pretty boy will find it easy to get caught up in his own new-found "pretty" status as he sees the way skirts, tights, high heels, dresses, and lingerie look on his well-toned body. Do not allow vanity to creep into your sissy's mind to such a degree that he becomes conceited. A sissy should take pride in what his OWNER thinks of him, not in what he thinks of himself.

Always keep your sissy aware that he has room to improve. It may be in his physical appearance, it may be in his ability to walk in those new four inch heels, or it may even be in his vocal pitch and volume. No sissy is ever a perfect sissy - and no sissy should ever feel bored, unchallenged, or as if he has no more to learn! Keep them humble to keep them happy and hungry for more training!

Keep him locked up. Chastity is key (pun absolutely intended) to reminding a sissy boy that his cock is no longer the central piece of his appeal, sexuality, or bodily awareness. Instead, by keeping him caged, you remind him that he must focus on keeping every other piece of himself up to standard: shaved, tweezed, and ready to be exposed at ANY moment.

The ideal sissy should be ready for service at all times, and must never EVER bring embarrassment to his Mistress by having stray hairs, scruff, or stubble interfere with his feminine appearance. Failure to maintain proper sissy-hygiene will result in denial of sissy dress, play, and recognition from the Mistress.

Remember, Owners: the greatest act of discipline for a sissy is to be stripped of his sissy identity. When a girlie-boy misbehaves, slacks off, or otherwise disappoints his Mistress, he has forfeited the privilege of being Her sissy, and all the trappings that come with that distinction.

It is not the right of a sissy boy to be dressed, caged, exhibited, or shared for use and abuse. As Mistresses, we hold the power to fulfill or deny the fantasies, desires, and deeply-rooted needs of sissy-boys - we must ensure that each one who enjoys Our control has, first, earned the privilege to enjoy that control.

Don't Play Without Practice

It's been a while, loves.
I've published some smut, collected some essays, and seen quite the parade of narcissistic blather on Twitter since I last wrote in the blogosphere.

It's time for yet another of my rather pointed/vulgar rants.

This time, I'm talking to those who put appearance before substance.
I'm talking to anyone who makes a duck face while wearing a corset, and believes that endows the right to command respect.
I'm talking to every single person, whether Pro or Lifestyle, who bypasses finesse and technique in favor of finery and brute force.

It's not the corset that makes the Domme - it's everything else that happens before you suit up for a session.

You have to learn.
You have to question.
You have to practice.
You have to watch.
You have to participate.
You have to talk.
You have to listen.

You have to realize that no matter how excited or beautiful you are, and no matter how willing men may be to throw cash at you simply because you fulfill their visual fantasy, you have farther to go before knowing what it is you are doing.

You have to be responsible, in this world of kinkiness and leather and delicious fuckery, just like you'd have to be responsible in any other.

Strapping on a dildo may be fun, and hell, you might even look fantastic while wearing it, but if you don't know how to use it - back the fuck up. DO NOT ATTEMPT USE if you HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED.

I don't care if you think you've got an idea. I don't care if you think it will be simple.
If you haven't taken a class, practiced with a seasoned vet of strapon play, or (preferably) a combination of the two, you have NO business fucking anyone in the ass, pussy, or mouth.

If you think you'd love to whip the shit out of a piggy little sub, and you've never held a paddle in your life, nor had any experience administering aftercare (or know what aftercare is!) then you need to slow your roll.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT until you've learned how to direct a sub to safeword, when and how to use water, ice, and lotion, and how to know when skin has had enough even when the sub wants more.

For many of you, dear readers, this is common sense: Learn how to play, before playing. Don't take chances with the safety of others, or your own self.

However, here's the sad state of affairs - the BDSM world, market, whatever you'd like to call it, is saturated with both Dommes and subs who want what they want as quickly as possible, no matter the potential risks that may be involved.

Too often I see women demanding that men inflict massive amounts of pain on their bodies, and I have to question: do those women have any first hand experience with either the application or reception of pain, on that level?

Too often I see Dominants showing off the marks they've left on their submissives and I question whether their own bodies have ever had to withstand force and shock in comparable quantities.

It's not just the physical impact that is administered - there's intense emotional involvement when pain and submission are combined. To take on the responsibility of another person's physical and mental well-being is just that: a responsibility. It has to be taken seriously.

My first teacher taught me this: don't do anything to a sub that you haven't tried on yourself.
I've always followed that guideline, from caning to using plugs, from electro stim to puppy play, we as Dominants cannot expect our subs to accept sensations with which we are not personally familiar.

We are guides. In order to fulfill that role, we have to first learn the way.

The Work of Ownership: When Fantasy Meets Reality

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Male Chastity Day: Establish Total Ownership & Give Him the Gift of Control

Today, when so many are reeling from the emotional rollercoaster/Armageddon of Valentine's Day, we must not forget the ACTUAL importance of February 15th.

That's right.

It's Male Chastity Day!

Such a glorious day, don't you think? Dedicated solely to the practice of locking up cocks on submissive men in order to bring control, calm, and caged bliss to their horny lives.

Because the cock is such a fickle, needful, inconvenient, and downright impatient beast, it clearly needs to be treated like a child with bad behavior: it needs to be given boundaries.
It needs structure.
It needs rules.
And it needs them NOW.

Today, assess your husband/boyfriend/submissive and ask yourself this question: is it time for Me, as a Dominant, to exert My total control over his cock?
The answer, of course, is a resounding YES.

How can we, the ones in a position of power and control, claim to be giving our submissives the restraint and Dominance they crave if we let their cocks, masturbation habits, and ability to cum run free?
We cannot claim it at all when chastity is not being implemented.

Now, before there are cries of "but that's so much WORK!" remember this - being a Dominant IS work. Get that set in your mind and embrace it, or get out of the lifestyle.

On to the fun stuff!

Caging

Caging is, of course, the most lauded and publicly recognized form of chastity within circles who implement the practice. There is a solid, locked, inescapable restriction put on men by their keyholders from which they cannot escape without explicit release from the Dominant who has the key to any given device.

There are so many choices for devices, which makes it fun to shop, select, and try on various options with submissives. There is a certain learning curve with sizing and determining practicality across various lifestyles, but it is, overall, an exciting step for any D/s couple trying out the practice, and can be an immensely important bonding activity for trust building and, of course, foreplay.

This method provides visual, tactile, and psychological appeal because it is so PRESENT.
A sub, in the beginning stages, will feel the constant constriction and physical reminder that their dick is no longer a toy that belongs to them. The magical moment is when a submissive male realizes...oh my Goddess...being caged...feels GOOD.

They will begin to crave the cage, feel safe within the cage, and positively LOVE the cage.


Psychologically Enforced Chastity or The Honor System

A level up, of course, is mental chastity implemented through sheer psychological ownership.
This type of chastity is only for those D/s relationships where honesty and total obedience are unquestioned, and in which the Dominant can devote larger amounts of time and effort to chastity training.

It's no easy thing to trust a submissive to not touch themselves based on the honor system, and it requires months, if not years, of training to instill total obedience and the ability for them to resist their urge to masturbate based on a need to please you, the Dominant.

The process also requires constant encouragement, reward systems, and positive verbal reminders of how much the submissive is pleasing you, his Dominant, by remaining chaste.

Creating an atmosphere in which rewards are centered on giving the Dominant pleasure, arousing his body and mind through activities other than sex, and teaching him that arousal does not inherently guarantee, nor should always include, orgasm = three techniques that play a large part in honor-system chastity training.

Take it from Me: the knowledge that your submissive is enthralled to your will and has overcome his pubescent masturbatory habits in order to please YOU is an enormously rewarding payoff.


This Valentine's Weekend, take back Control - and lock up that cock in a cage or the vice of your own deliciously Dominant and deviant will!

Alpha Males, Beta Males, and Submissive Males: Why Submission Falls Outside Male Hierarchy

A dear friend and fellow Domme wrote a blog post on FLRs (Female Led Relationships), and it sparked a conversation dealing with the terms Alpha and Beta, and how they are applied when men are in submissive roles. Here are a few thoughts that developed from my consideration of that conversation.

If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:

1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.

2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.

3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.

In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.

Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?

The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.

It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.

This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)

Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.

That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.

This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.

Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.

Kinky Foreplay - It's Not What You Think

When gearing up for D/s style play time, most novices/uninitiated envision lots of name-calling, spanking, orders being barked, and a healthy dose of leather.

It's what main-stream media and the vanilla music industry have taught you to think of when considering BDSM, Kink, or D/s interaction.

But here's the secret: D/s doesn't have to start roughly.
Sadistic Dominants are pre-programmed to want to manipulate and mark your beautiful flesh from the first second they get you on their floor/bed/bench/examining table, true.
But those who know what they are doing will start sessions in a far different fashion.

I, as a Dominant woman, prefer to savor, tease, test, and sample a blindfolded and bound submissive before I proceed with the high intensity play.

I enjoy examining, grooming, touching, tasting, kissing, and massaging my sweet and willing supplicants - because it turns me on.

Oh, you thought it was for their benefit?
I admit, it is, partially.
It gets their bodies on edge, their sensory receptors at maximum readiness.
However, I do what I do to those who submit under my touch because I love to play with my prey.

And, as a happily confirmed Sadist, I consider a submissive to be my most delicious prey.

I want to touch each appendage, I want to inspect my toy, I want to soothe and titillate the submissive before I start delivering the loving blows of my crop, whip, or paddle.

Dominants, never underestimate the joy of pampering a sub. Simply putting lotion or oil (depending on Your/their preferences) on the skin and gently rubbing it in can set a male or female submissive shaking with pleasure. Alternate with the wartenberg wheel to keep them from getting too mellowed and comfortable, and watch how they twitch and squirm in anticipation.

Showing attention and affection, while visually drinking in their prone (hopefully naked!) bodies ensures that they know they are on display...and that they are safe.

Safely enjoyed exhibitionism. What submissive DOESN'T want to show off for his/her Dominant?
Give them this opportunity to please while being perfectly still, and their minds will begin to race.

Nothing gets the body ready for playtime like an over active imagination.

So, the moral of the story is this, for any Dominants who are skipping over the grand time honored tradition of guiding your submissives into the proper mindset for play-time:

Groom and tease your pets, and they will love you for it.

Heath's Training: High Impact Play, Biting, and Marking

This installment of the account of Heath's training concerns high impact play: marking activities such as biting, clawing, and, of course, striking with various implements. No one should engage in the following activities without training, consent, and full awareness from both parties of the risks involved.

With that being said, let's get to the good stuff!

The Good Stuff

Above are the implements for Heath's preliminary high-impact session. The goal of this play session was to introduce him to the heavier hitters in a time frame devoted solely to his body being marked by implements, fingernails, and teeth. The goal was to turn his skin into a canvas and to see where his initial pain thresholds lay. It turns out, those thresholds are quite high. :-)

As you can see, his ass was warmed quite thoroughly. Pictured is his first taste of a paddle, which he found visually intimidating. He soon discovered that just because an implement looks menacing doesn't mean it can't be used with varying degrees of speed and force. He also felt the sting of the cane across his backside and loved the percussive and rhythmic nature that can be achieved during its use. (Yes, his ass makes a great set of drums.)

You can also see the nail marks that were used to give him some feminine curvature lines along his back. Short natural nails always make the best marks due to being the sharpest and most easily controlled type of fingernail. 

Not pictured are the teeth marks that adorned the front of his body, over 30 in total, symmetrically placed along his ribcage, across his chest, and on his hips and thighs. 

I find that biting is the most intimate and loving of pain delivery methods as it combines the lushness of the Domme's mouth with the severe sharpness of her teeth.

Pictured to the left are the implements used for Heath's follow up High Impact training session. You can see the Big Momma Flogger, paddle, mini flogger, mini slapper, and pinwheel. While only the BMF was added to the already used lineup, the intensity of use for all implements was increased, as was time devoted to the use of each implement.

The BMF is my personal favorite of all my toys, and it delivers quite the thud when used at close range. When used at medium range, the ends deliver hundreds of stings.

 Heath's shoulders, back, and bottom are nicely reddened after a few rounds of the floggers, paddle, and slapper. All implements were used on his back and ass, and changing the implements mid hit certainly caused a great deal of sensory confusion/sensory overload.

I highly recommend lots of pace and implement change-ups to keep the submissive alert and totally immersed at once, but only to those Dommes who are completely comfortable and adept in using and changing implements quickly. 

Here he is, again, in the same pose, but being used as human furniture. I love to give a short break or two during which I balance and/or drape implements over the submissive. 

This practice not only allows their bodies and minds a short space in which to breathe/settle, but it also forces them to still perform while at rest - Heath knows that he must not allow the implements to move or fall from his body.

He is also demonstrating excellent form in keeping his supplicant posture with head down, hands clasped, and feet together. He has made himself totally accessible without spreading his body all over the bed, thus making it far more convenient for me to strike from all angles without moving all around the bed and room.

At the end of the High Impact session, he was left with bite marks, flogger/slapper marks, and a very relaxed body. The most wonderful aspect, for me, of sessions in which the sub's body is worked over is this: the total relaxation that is achieved through sending their bodies and minds into subspace through constant, varied, and delicious pain.

Training Heath: Teasing, Sensory Play, Sadism, and Deprivation

We all know what it means to tease and be teased.

It's foreplay, of the best sort. 

It revs the engines, signaling the body to prepare itself for pleasure, pain, and (if it's lucky) orgasm.

It puts us on edge, and makes every sensation seem that much more intense, from biting to licking to flogging - every touch, stroke, and lash is heightened in our mind's perception.

Teasing is essential when beginning the training of a male pet, and, really, a pet of any gender. 

For Heath, in particular, sending him images throughout the workday, leaving notes by the bathroom mirror, and generally creating an environment of sexual saturation in day-to-day activities keeps him on the edge of his proverbial seat and rock hard in his literal panties. 

However, teasing is never (and should never be) the goal. 

It must be used as an effective tool to train, teach, own, envelope, and entrance. 

Teasing shouldn't last for weeks - there must be some sort of release at the beginning. 

Leave the long-term chastity fantasies on the back burner, if you're just beginning with a new sub. 

Yes, the idea of keeping him from orgasm for months on end may seem fantastic, but it is neither prudent nor realistic to try and enforce such strictures from Day One.

We, as Dominant Women, must use our natural abilities to teach, lead, and control to mold our new and/or inexperienced pets into the ideal submissives that We (and they!) desire them to be.

In training my pet, Heath, I knew that I would need to start slowly, sensually, and with a great deal of sensory-based play (ranging from the gentle to the brutal). Each new experience needed to be introduced with great care.
I knew that psychological Domination must be at the fore - the whys and hows and what ifs would need to be engrained in him from the outset, both through outright instruction AND subliminal/hypnotic vocal techniques during sessions.

To the left you can see the first set of tools I used in his first training session, all obtained from, and made by, The Stockroom: mini flogger, Wartenberg wheel, leather mini slapper, and leather blindfold lined in lambs wool. All four items provide a sensory experience, ranging from biting to tickling to deprivation. Each afforded my pet an introduction to accepting sensation on its own merits, accepting Domination, and submitting to the enjoyment of receiving without "returning any favors."

For Heath, the act of simply accepting the gift of sensation, pain, and pleasure is quite a jump from normalcy to the unknown. He had to wrap his mind around the fact that I, his Dominant, LOVE sessioning with him, and that it is for my own enjoyment.

Once he understood that my sadistic mind got IMMENSE pleasure from spanking, flogging, biting, scratching, and teasing him, he was able to truly enjoy being the object of all that attention without feeling guilty.

In this picture, you can see the set up for his first OTK play with an implement, the slapper. I gave him my mirror to hold whilst being spanked so that he could see me, and, more importantly, see how much I was enjoying myself. This technique of visual reassurance is invaluable for the novice submissive being introduced to pain, and submission, in general.

However, as important as it was for him to have the ability to see me during spanking, sight is often the sense that gets in the way of a submissive's enjoyment. All too often they can lose their buzz by looking around, looking at themselves, and (potentially) becoming self conscious.
For men, especially, being visually distracted by the appearance of the Domme can override the intensely enjoyable physical sensations being delivered.

To enhance all other senses, simply remove sight from the equation. This leather blindfold fits very snugly, but also with total comfort. It allowed Heath to let go and feel EVERYTHING with total focus on the sensations being delivered to his body rather than focusing on me, my face, or anything else in the scene.

Another excellent aspect of sight deprivation is Surprise. Heath never knew what sensation was coming next. The wheel? Teeth? My hands? The flogger? Keeping him on edge kept him rock hard and leaking!

Stay tuned for next week's installment: Paddles, Canes, and Marking!

Back After More Shenanigans

Good morning to all of you, dear readers, wherever and whomever you may be!

I return after yet another adventure involving needles, speculums, and latex gloves - sadly, it was not a med-play convention, but rather another visit to the emergency room.

Hey, a girl can distract herself with happy thoughts, right?! Right.

In any event, I'm back, not much worse for the wear, and in the swing of holiday spirit here in my own little happy home/dungeon.

This Christmas is a very special one because it marks the beginning of my pet/Husband's training, in earnest. I went all out and spared no expense in obtaining a fine assortment of personal implements/pieces to both delight his very vivid but untapped proclivities and literally tickle his fancy in ways he's never even heard of until now.

Tickle, get it? Big-time tickle.

Needless to say, we're both quite excited. So excited, in fact, that we'll be documenting the finer highlights of his training in pictures and words, right here on the blog!

The series of posts will be part educational and part erotica, but ALL deliciously deviant in nature.

Here's to training the obedient and living our lives in the knowledge that we are afforded such little time in which to enjoy one another: Make all of it count!

Dommes, We Get What We Give

I've read quite a bit about Dommes who are angered by men who are timewasters and losers, due to the fact that they do not instantly bow down, lick shiny patent leather toed pumps, open up the wallet, or do similar instant shows of submission.

I cannot help but roll my eyes.

Ladies, let us remember: We get what We give.

If we expect men to throw cash at us without so much as a mutual understanding of needs/desires/wants/expectations, then how in fuck-all are we better than the subs who email and immediately start the 40 questions routine?

If we demand to be worshipped before rapport is established with a would-be worshipper, then we are no better than the subs who try to top from the bottom and want Our time on their terms.

We've all shut down the fucktards who are demanding and who show no respect.

What, then, should we do when we, or Dommes we know, suddenly find ourselves demanding things that we have no right to demand?
We have to call a spade a spade and shut THAT type of behavior down.

When submissives are asked to pay to converse/establish rapport, then the submissive immediately feels used.
Demands for money without an established understanding of each other's wants/needs is just as disingenuous as a submissive who is all talk/a time waster.
And, let me clarify the term "used."

There is being used in play, in a consenting environment, and there is being used in real life in an unethical way by a Domme who is not holding up her end of the interaction.

Like it or not, would-be-Dominants, nothing comes for free.

To do FinDom, or any aspect of FemDom correctly, you need to actually BE a Dominant, and that means doing the work. Submission should NEVER happen instantaneously.

Domination should NEVER be presumed, just because you have Domme/Mistress/Madame/Goddess in front of your screen name.

If you expect instant gratification, I've got a news flash: you're in the wrong business/lifestyle.

Until you realize that you give what you get, you'll continue to give/get at the lowest common denominator.

We are better than that.
Let's act like we know it.

Brats Will Not Be Tolerated

Oh, you decided to get petulant?
You started making demands, trying to talk back, and generally were devoid of manners, when we last spoke?
You suddenly thought it was acceptable to speak to me as an equal?

Well, isn't that cute.

You won't get a reaction.
You won't even get a response.
You simply get the Control + Alt + Delete.

No questions, no second chances.

I'm in charge.
You're lucky I even acknowledge your existence.
I'm firm, but fair, and I return brattishness with punishment.

Your impudence and lack of respect have earned you a one way ticket to a universe WITHOUT my attention.

Enjoy.

Impossible is an Opinion

Take it from someone who used to bandy about the word "Impossible."
I'll never find a long-term pet/partner - it's impossible to find a person who will love me.
I'll never be happy - it's impossible to feel whole and secure.
I'll never have a family of my own - it's impossible to be ready to be a mother.
I'll never be able to be my whole self - it's impossible to do that, safely.

Guess what?

That was all an opinion.
None of it was factual.
None of it.

For a very long time, I accepted the world as a small minded individual.
I lived in the world I'd been given, rather than looking beyond it, seeing the possibilities, and making a world, for myself.

Once I looked at my own power, I realized just how fucking powerful I can be.
I can challenge.
I can Dominate.
I can change.
I can help.
I can heal.
I can give.
I can trust.
I can create.

I can love.

Coming to these realizations, and acting on them, came at a high price: the whole of my doubt, fear, and insecurity.

Pay up.
Move on.

Take the dare.

Never let your own mind overthrow your drive to give love.
Never, ever, allow your insecurities to keep you from the ones who love you, in return.