The Alpha Complex

We live in a world of absolutes: The perceived Alpha male and Alpha female, the hierarchy of financial and social elitism. We are judged by what we possess and control, not necessarily by our methods of acquiring or maintaining that control.

In the BDSM world, this is also true. It's a game of appearance, of who has the most sway, the most exposure, the most followers, the greatest perceived power and reputation.

We must fight this system.

We must remember that humility and the pursuit of knowledge must be cornerstones of any D/s interaction.

Being a true Alpha means that we must be leaders, caretakers, and those responsible for the continuing growth of positive understanding in our community.

Tops, Doms, and all who exert control over others must realize and enact the truths of motivation and execution as being the key differences between responsible and reprehensible action.

Topping and Domination are not the full exertion of power over another without question.
Submission is a gift, given by the submissive, and which can be revoked at any time. Too often, submissives feel they must please their Dom to the point of losing sight of their own mental health and physical needs.

This is not the way to conduct a D/s relationship.

There must be communication. There must be understanding of the whole person, on both sides of the equation.
Meeting once before jumping into a scene can result in disaster.
Having unclear channels of communication, or NO communication, is a surefire way to ensure unsafe play and physical/mental harm.

Do your due diligence.

Doms: vetting your subs for experience level and understanding of the lifestyle and/or play is imperative - having clear limits is too often overlooked in the heat of wanting to get the high of a "spontaneous" or "genuine" scene. Don't be lured by the sub who wants to "give up everything to you" - chances are, they have no idea what this really means.

Subs: Be honest when looking for a play partner. Don't embellish experience level, or feel you have to feign knowledge of the MYRIAD terms thrown around when discussing the lifestyle. You are as you are - and that is enough

Being a Beginner Domme: Protection of Self and Establishing Boundaries

To the ladies who have just begun their journey into the FemDom role of Domina, Dominatrix, Madame or Mistress - I salute you.
You have decided to explore the aspects of your personality that feed into Control, Protection, Leadership, Imagination, Creativity, and the Administration of Skill.

A bunch of words, no?
A damn big bunch of words.

What does it all mean?
Where do you start?
How do you become the Uber-Domme of your, his, her, and that other person's dreams?

You start by not trying to become another person's dream.
Plain and simple, you have to WANT to cultivate your Dominant traits for you and not for someone else.

If a man or woman has come to you and asked you to be "my Domme" then they have started with a fatal flaw - asking you to do something for them, rather than asking what they can do for you.

The first lesson a beginner Domme must learn is to not become an on-call service for those who will use up or waste your time, talent, and effort.

I know this may seem counterintuitive to the image of the all-powerful slightly (or not so slightly) demanding Head Bitch In Charge, but many Dominas are what they are because they have an overwhelming desire to protect, heal, and give.

Those traits are often exploited by the insensitive, coercive, and overly-needy subs who have been in the game long enough to sniff out a woman who will give them what they want, but who will not expect them to give in return.

Always, always, always remember that you do not OWE a submissive anything simply because he has asked to "worship you, Goddess, because you are so perfect and I want so badly to be Dominated by you!"

See what happened there? That thought of worship didn't end with an offer of actual tribute, service, or worship. It ended with the submissive's desire.

Odd. Very odd. And downright counterintuitive to the way a submissive should approach a Dominant.

A Woman in Power should be brought tribute, compliment, sincerity, and supplication; she should NOT be presented with selfish demands sugar coated in flattery.

Keep your boundaries, and keep your self esteem, intact.
There is nothing powerful about a Domina who is topped from the bottom by a submissive who takes without giving.

I've discussed the all-giving dynamic before on this blog, but for you who are beginning your journey into the Power of a FemDom centered interaction or relationship, it bears repeating.

The only way this type of relationship will work, truly, is through massive amounts of communication from BOTH parties. It will only work if both people but the OTHER person first.

You cannot be a Dominant without being a caregiver.
You cannot be a submissive without being a servant.

When we examine those two titles, they are one in the same.
The Dominant serves the needs of the submissive, just as the submissive should care for the needs of the Dominant.

There is no way around the necessity of mutual giving.

To you, new Dommes, I say this: only interact with those men who understand that in order to be worthy of your time, they must prove that worth through service and a keen ability to care for your needs; otherwise, they have no business receiving the beautiful Control that you, as a Dominant Woman, can give them.