Dommes, We Get What We Give

I've read quite a bit about Dommes who are angered by men who are timewasters and losers, due to the fact that they do not instantly bow down, lick shiny patent leather toed pumps, open up the wallet, or do similar instant shows of submission.

I cannot help but roll my eyes.

Ladies, let us remember: We get what We give.

If we expect men to throw cash at us without so much as a mutual understanding of needs/desires/wants/expectations, then how in fuck-all are we better than the subs who email and immediately start the 40 questions routine?

If we demand to be worshipped before rapport is established with a would-be worshipper, then we are no better than the subs who try to top from the bottom and want Our time on their terms.

We've all shut down the fucktards who are demanding and who show no respect.

What, then, should we do when we, or Dommes we know, suddenly find ourselves demanding things that we have no right to demand?
We have to call a spade a spade and shut THAT type of behavior down.

When submissives are asked to pay to converse/establish rapport, then the submissive immediately feels used.
Demands for money without an established understanding of each other's wants/needs is just as disingenuous as a submissive who is all talk/a time waster.
And, let me clarify the term "used."

There is being used in play, in a consenting environment, and there is being used in real life in an unethical way by a Domme who is not holding up her end of the interaction.

Like it or not, would-be-Dominants, nothing comes for free.

To do FinDom, or any aspect of FemDom correctly, you need to actually BE a Dominant, and that means doing the work. Submission should NEVER happen instantaneously.

Domination should NEVER be presumed, just because you have Domme/Mistress/Madame/Goddess in front of your screen name.

If you expect instant gratification, I've got a news flash: you're in the wrong business/lifestyle.

Until you realize that you give what you get, you'll continue to give/get at the lowest common denominator.

We are better than that.
Let's act like we know it.

Dominance: The Ultimate Responsibility and The Ultimate Gift

If you are going to try, go all the way.
Do it, do it, do it.
All the way, all the way, all the way.

Bukowski wrote that, and yes, I'm reasonably sure I just paraphrased it, but I'm not about to go on a GoogleHunt.

The point is this: don't half anything.
Don't dabble.
Don't make a start, then refuse to finish.
Don't allow complacency to color your work or your Love.

Go all the way, all the way, all the damn way.

If you bring a pet into your care, know what you are signing up to do.
You are becoming their source of Control.
You are becoming their Balance.

It's a big fucking job.

You DON'T get to be weak.
You don't get to be trite.
You don't get to be trivial.

You DO get to lead, by example.
You get to establish boundaries, and healthily maintain them.
You get to protect yourself and give protection to your pet, even if  that means protecting yourself and your pet from his/her negative tendencies.

You get to say No:
No, I will not let bad habits slide.
No, I will not indulge brattish and attention-seeking behaviors.
No, I will not allow you to use Me or My time as a distraction from your own problems.

You must be strong: for Yourself, for your pet, for the two of you as a pair, couple, or any other form of relationship.

Dominance is not a pass to a never-ending supply of cunnilingus, blowjobs, no-questions-asked-submission, or whateverthefuck floats your self-serving, self-loving, and/or self-indulgent boat.

Dominance is the ultimate gift.

Only those with quiet strength, self-awareness, and sincere care for others can give it.

It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

"Why do we need safe words?"

"Why are safe words important?"

This is a real question, submitted by self-identified "dominant."  I use the lower case d because any Dominant worth the name knows the answer to this question.

Let me emphasize how VITALLY IMPORTANT safe words, and their clear presentation, are to submissives and Dominants during any type of play. Safe words provide the assurance of safety, sanity, and consent.

A safe word is the signal that can be given by the submissive at any point during play that causes ALL activity to stop immediately. No matter when it is uttered, the Dominant must stop what is happening and check in with the submissive to find out whether the scene needs to end, be modified, or if the sub needs to have a break.

I prefer my subs to use the word RED. Simple, effective, not easily mistaken for another word, and not a word commonly uttered by itself. I also instruct  my subs to use the word YELLOW to signal to me when they want a certain activity scaled back, but not stopped entirely. In play during which the mouth is gagged, I implement the three tap signal. Three taps, and play stops.

Am important note: while the Dominant must instruct the sub in use of safe words, it is the responsibility of BOTH parties to communicate and ensure safety throughout the session. The sub must be willing and able to communicate his or her comfort or discomfort.

Ask-a-Domme: "Is it ethical to treat Domination like a job?"

"...most females that are taking part of the BDSM scene are treating it like a job, making money out of it and "play[ing]" [as] needed in order to maximize profits. It's not that i reject their right to gain money out of it, (on the contrary, i think that males should finance the LADIES and work hard for it), but it should not be the main and only purpose. if it comes as part of controlling all the males privileges, it make sense. same way i see spanking and canning. if it just for enjoying the pain, it is not about female domination - it's about [a] male having some type of sexual release. [However,] if the FEMALE is using pain to demonstrate her ruling or to modify the male behaviour it [is] accepted and even necessary. in principle i embrace every activity that comes as part of giving/taking full control by the sub/MISTRESS although i don't like them all but this is not important in the big picture of total submission.

YOUR thoughts?"

Note: The lower case i is not a repeated mistake but a personal preference of this individual in expressing his submission, mentally, to me and all women. This also accounts for the caps used for the words ladies, female, mistress, and your. 

 Re: spanking/caning/flogging for purposes other than discipline: I know, first hand, the release that can come from such an intense physical experience as part of a session and also the value of this activity in foreplay, so I cannot discount the value of these activities unto themselves. However, I despise solicitation by submissives who only want to be serviced in this way and who do not engage with their Dominants on a cerebral level. If you want pain, release, subspace, catharsis, and to receive all of these things at the hand of a Dominant woman, then don't play at submission - actually submit. I do not condone the practice of men showing up at a dungeon, paying for twenty minutes of spanking with a total stranger, and then leaving. There must be mental understanding and mindfulness of what is occurring and why it is occurring.

 Re: making money as a Domme - I believe that it is accurate to say that most "pro Dominatrix" workers are not trained and do not have the mental capacity to be true/effective Dominants. I see and hear horrible examples of men who sought out a Dominant woman, professionally, and had damaging experiences because the "Dominants" were corseted women with whips who had no formal training in the activities in which they engaged.

 I view what I do as therapeutic, when I physically do sessions with clients. I perform exhaustive intake interviews before ever playing with anyone. I do not cater to men, as this is neither sound professional practice nor contextually sensible. If/when men attempt to order activities like ordering from a menu, I correct them or end the communication. It is my mission to help men, women, and couples understand the benefits of FemDom and the D/s lifestyle in a manner that is built on ethical and intelligent introspection and play.

 I have chosen this as my profession because I believe that the best way for me to provide for my family in a loving and productive way is through doing what I truly love in a way that brings positive change to the world. My husband and I both work, and we do so because we are both intelligent human beings with much to offer the world by way of sharing our talents. This does not mean that I am any less a Domme because I work and provide, and while I can understand your view of wanting males to provide for women, I believe ultimately that the choice to work is the woman's to make.

"What's the point of being Dominated?"

"What's the point of a BDSM session? If I told someone that I was paying a woman to come to my house, kick me in the balls and then slap me before shoving things in my ass, I can't even imagine what they would say to me."

First of all, this cannot be boiled down to a simple goods-for-cash dynamic.
Yes, I am getting paid.
Yes, you are the one paying me.
But I am not a convenience store with product on the shelves, ready for consumption.
We must communicate.
You must be willing to bare your needs, desires, fetishes, and whole sexual self to me, in order for me to give you the EXPERIENCE you desire.

You're paying me to give you the sensory and mental input you crave, in a stylized manner that allows you to give up the constant drive to control and withdraw.

You're paying me to get what you want, the way you want it, in a safe and secure setting, without any fear or shame.

Reducing what you want to the lowest common denominator ("come to my house, kick me in the balls, slap me before shoving things in my ass") feeds a perceived "wrongness" of it.

What I do is not wrong, but it is taboo, and it is not for the faint of heart.
There will be consensual pain, but it is a portal - it allows you to let go of the other types of pain that plague you.

The concept of "how much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight" applies here, as well: how much can you know about yourself until you let go, and give up control to me?

 Asking "what's the point" of a session is like asking "what's the point of sex, for pleasure?" - the point is the emotional, physical, sensory, and mental input.

The point is experiencing pleasure on your own terms, in the way you most desire to feel pleasure.