Don't Play Without Practice

It's been a while, loves.
I've published some smut, collected some essays, and seen quite the parade of narcissistic blather on Twitter since I last wrote in the blogosphere.

It's time for yet another of my rather pointed/vulgar rants.

This time, I'm talking to those who put appearance before substance.
I'm talking to anyone who makes a duck face while wearing a corset, and believes that endows the right to command respect.
I'm talking to every single person, whether Pro or Lifestyle, who bypasses finesse and technique in favor of finery and brute force.

It's not the corset that makes the Domme - it's everything else that happens before you suit up for a session.

You have to learn.
You have to question.
You have to practice.
You have to watch.
You have to participate.
You have to talk.
You have to listen.

You have to realize that no matter how excited or beautiful you are, and no matter how willing men may be to throw cash at you simply because you fulfill their visual fantasy, you have farther to go before knowing what it is you are doing.

You have to be responsible, in this world of kinkiness and leather and delicious fuckery, just like you'd have to be responsible in any other.

Strapping on a dildo may be fun, and hell, you might even look fantastic while wearing it, but if you don't know how to use it - back the fuck up. DO NOT ATTEMPT USE if you HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED.

I don't care if you think you've got an idea. I don't care if you think it will be simple.
If you haven't taken a class, practiced with a seasoned vet of strapon play, or (preferably) a combination of the two, you have NO business fucking anyone in the ass, pussy, or mouth.

If you think you'd love to whip the shit out of a piggy little sub, and you've never held a paddle in your life, nor had any experience administering aftercare (or know what aftercare is!) then you need to slow your roll.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT until you've learned how to direct a sub to safeword, when and how to use water, ice, and lotion, and how to know when skin has had enough even when the sub wants more.

For many of you, dear readers, this is common sense: Learn how to play, before playing. Don't take chances with the safety of others, or your own self.

However, here's the sad state of affairs - the BDSM world, market, whatever you'd like to call it, is saturated with both Dommes and subs who want what they want as quickly as possible, no matter the potential risks that may be involved.

Too often I see women demanding that men inflict massive amounts of pain on their bodies, and I have to question: do those women have any first hand experience with either the application or reception of pain, on that level?

Too often I see Dominants showing off the marks they've left on their submissives and I question whether their own bodies have ever had to withstand force and shock in comparable quantities.

It's not just the physical impact that is administered - there's intense emotional involvement when pain and submission are combined. To take on the responsibility of another person's physical and mental well-being is just that: a responsibility. It has to be taken seriously.

My first teacher taught me this: don't do anything to a sub that you haven't tried on yourself.
I've always followed that guideline, from caning to using plugs, from electro stim to puppy play, we as Dominants cannot expect our subs to accept sensations with which we are not personally familiar.

We are guides. In order to fulfill that role, we have to first learn the way.

Ask-a-Domme: "How can you be a ProDomme if you've ever been a submissive?!"

"[I find it hard to understand how a Domme can feel secure in her Dominance when she has, in the past, been in a submissive position. Can you explain how you justify this, to those with whom you interact on a professional level?]"
(This question was, shall we say, originally worded in a far less tactful/grammatically correct manner. Hence, the full [ ] treatment.)

Yes. Yes, I can explain.

As with any other profession, I didn't start at the top of the food chain with all knowledge, skill, and understanding in tact. I did not wake up one morning blessed with immediate insight into how one goes about owning the mind and/or body of a submissive, nor did I inherently know how to utilize many and various implements.

I did, admittedly, come from a place of basic understanding of a submissive's need because a part of me also has those needs.

I believe, as on the Kinsey scale of sexuality, we are all along a scale of both Dominance and submission. I am, in majority, Dominant. That is a fact. I enjoy control and I enjoy leading and teaching. However, there is a part of me that is submissive. Upon first entering the scene, I believe all those who are truly curious and want to understand their desires begin as submissive (to some degree), and seek out a Dom who will teach them the ropes (pun intended).

I started as a submissive because I needed to learn how to express my Dominant tendencies before knowing any of the terminology of either mindset. I just was a sexual being needing to understand some new, strange, and intense urges. You cannot, ethically, Dominate another person when you do not understand Domination on a mental and physical level. You don't put the lash to someone's back unless you know what it feels like, nor do you use clamps, restraints, sensory toys, or anything else, unless you know exactly what they cause, physically and emotionally.

I am open about my learning as a submissive because, in the professional world, you MUST present credentials. I have a Master's and two Bachelor's degrees, all three of which I cite whenever filling out an application in the vanilla world. I would not be taken seriously or considered as a viable option for employment at the highest levels unless I had been educated and taught by those who have been in their respective fields for much longer than I.

I count myself privileged. 
I had the great honor to be taught by a man who had been in the field of Domination and Kink for an extensive period of time; a man who treasured safety and sanity alongside pleasure and mutual understanding. He, also, learned from a Dominant as a submissive. It is the natural way. In clinical terms, it is best practice.

It is because of the great gifts he gave me that I am determined to share those gifts with others, and do so professionally so that my time can be devoted to such endeavors without the distraction of other work responsibilities.

Ask-a-Domme: "Is it ethical to treat Domination like a job?"

"...most females that are taking part of the BDSM scene are treating it like a job, making money out of it and "play[ing]" [as] needed in order to maximize profits. It's not that i reject their right to gain money out of it, (on the contrary, i think that males should finance the LADIES and work hard for it), but it should not be the main and only purpose. if it comes as part of controlling all the males privileges, it make sense. same way i see spanking and canning. if it just for enjoying the pain, it is not about female domination - it's about [a] male having some type of sexual release. [However,] if the FEMALE is using pain to demonstrate her ruling or to modify the male behaviour it [is] accepted and even necessary. in principle i embrace every activity that comes as part of giving/taking full control by the sub/MISTRESS although i don't like them all but this is not important in the big picture of total submission.

YOUR thoughts?"

Note: The lower case i is not a repeated mistake but a personal preference of this individual in expressing his submission, mentally, to me and all women. This also accounts for the caps used for the words ladies, female, mistress, and your. 

 Re: spanking/caning/flogging for purposes other than discipline: I know, first hand, the release that can come from such an intense physical experience as part of a session and also the value of this activity in foreplay, so I cannot discount the value of these activities unto themselves. However, I despise solicitation by submissives who only want to be serviced in this way and who do not engage with their Dominants on a cerebral level. If you want pain, release, subspace, catharsis, and to receive all of these things at the hand of a Dominant woman, then don't play at submission - actually submit. I do not condone the practice of men showing up at a dungeon, paying for twenty minutes of spanking with a total stranger, and then leaving. There must be mental understanding and mindfulness of what is occurring and why it is occurring.

 Re: making money as a Domme - I believe that it is accurate to say that most "pro Dominatrix" workers are not trained and do not have the mental capacity to be true/effective Dominants. I see and hear horrible examples of men who sought out a Dominant woman, professionally, and had damaging experiences because the "Dominants" were corseted women with whips who had no formal training in the activities in which they engaged.

 I view what I do as therapeutic, when I physically do sessions with clients. I perform exhaustive intake interviews before ever playing with anyone. I do not cater to men, as this is neither sound professional practice nor contextually sensible. If/when men attempt to order activities like ordering from a menu, I correct them or end the communication. It is my mission to help men, women, and couples understand the benefits of FemDom and the D/s lifestyle in a manner that is built on ethical and intelligent introspection and play.

 I have chosen this as my profession because I believe that the best way for me to provide for my family in a loving and productive way is through doing what I truly love in a way that brings positive change to the world. My husband and I both work, and we do so because we are both intelligent human beings with much to offer the world by way of sharing our talents. This does not mean that I am any less a Domme because I work and provide, and while I can understand your view of wanting males to provide for women, I believe ultimately that the choice to work is the woman's to make.

Communication: The Great Common Denominator

Communication means being willing to speak difficult truths.

It means putting honesty and transparency above comfort.

Communication means speaking your total truth, but also being prepared to hear the truth of your partner(s).

In a D/s, PE, or TPE relationship where control is at a premium, a couple cannot survive unless transparent communication is at the heart of the relationship.

If we look openly and honestly at all relationships, it's clear that communication is the single factor that can make or break even the most solid of romantic foundations.

It's not just the BDSM/Kink community that needs to keep communication at the fore: it's every couple, every poly arrangement, every single human being that wants to get what they need and provide their loved one(s) the same service.

If you do not ask, you cannot know.
If you do wish to know, you must ask.