The Alpha Complex

We live in a world of absolutes: The perceived Alpha male and Alpha female, the hierarchy of financial and social elitism. We are judged by what we possess and control, not necessarily by our methods of acquiring or maintaining that control.

In the BDSM world, this is also true. It's a game of appearance, of who has the most sway, the most exposure, the most followers, the greatest perceived power and reputation.

We must fight this system.

We must remember that humility and the pursuit of knowledge must be cornerstones of any D/s interaction.

Being a true Alpha means that we must be leaders, caretakers, and those responsible for the continuing growth of positive understanding in our community.

Tops, Doms, and all who exert control over others must realize and enact the truths of motivation and execution as being the key differences between responsible and reprehensible action.

Topping and Domination are not the full exertion of power over another without question.
Submission is a gift, given by the submissive, and which can be revoked at any time. Too often, submissives feel they must please their Dom to the point of losing sight of their own mental health and physical needs.

This is not the way to conduct a D/s relationship.

There must be communication. There must be understanding of the whole person, on both sides of the equation.
Meeting once before jumping into a scene can result in disaster.
Having unclear channels of communication, or NO communication, is a surefire way to ensure unsafe play and physical/mental harm.

Do your due diligence.

Doms: vetting your subs for experience level and understanding of the lifestyle and/or play is imperative - having clear limits is too often overlooked in the heat of wanting to get the high of a "spontaneous" or "genuine" scene. Don't be lured by the sub who wants to "give up everything to you" - chances are, they have no idea what this really means.

Subs: Be honest when looking for a play partner. Don't embellish experience level, or feel you have to feign knowledge of the MYRIAD terms thrown around when discussing the lifestyle. You are as you are - and that is enough

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Alpha Males, Beta Males, and Submissive Males: Why Submission Falls Outside Male Hierarchy

A dear friend and fellow Domme wrote a blog post on FLRs (Female Led Relationships), and it sparked a conversation dealing with the terms Alpha and Beta, and how they are applied when men are in submissive roles. Here are a few thoughts that developed from my consideration of that conversation.

If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:

1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.

2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.

3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.

In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.

Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?

The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.

It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.

This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)

Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.

That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.

This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.

Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.