The Alpha Complex

We live in a world of absolutes: The perceived Alpha male and Alpha female, the hierarchy of financial and social elitism. We are judged by what we possess and control, not necessarily by our methods of acquiring or maintaining that control.

In the BDSM world, this is also true. It's a game of appearance, of who has the most sway, the most exposure, the most followers, the greatest perceived power and reputation.

We must fight this system.

We must remember that humility and the pursuit of knowledge must be cornerstones of any D/s interaction.

Being a true Alpha means that we must be leaders, caretakers, and those responsible for the continuing growth of positive understanding in our community.

Tops, Doms, and all who exert control over others must realize and enact the truths of motivation and execution as being the key differences between responsible and reprehensible action.

Topping and Domination are not the full exertion of power over another without question.
Submission is a gift, given by the submissive, and which can be revoked at any time. Too often, submissives feel they must please their Dom to the point of losing sight of their own mental health and physical needs.

This is not the way to conduct a D/s relationship.

There must be communication. There must be understanding of the whole person, on both sides of the equation.
Meeting once before jumping into a scene can result in disaster.
Having unclear channels of communication, or NO communication, is a surefire way to ensure unsafe play and physical/mental harm.

Do your due diligence.

Doms: vetting your subs for experience level and understanding of the lifestyle and/or play is imperative - having clear limits is too often overlooked in the heat of wanting to get the high of a "spontaneous" or "genuine" scene. Don't be lured by the sub who wants to "give up everything to you" - chances are, they have no idea what this really means.

Subs: Be honest when looking for a play partner. Don't embellish experience level, or feel you have to feign knowledge of the MYRIAD terms thrown around when discussing the lifestyle. You are as you are - and that is enough

Hostility Has No Place, Here

I always read my email, first thing, on mornings where I and the pet are afforded the luxury of sleeping in. It is usually an activity that inspires many smiles, a few new musings, and at least one good laugh.

This morning, however, I was greeted by a comment on one of my blog postings.
It read, simply, "I hope you get lung cancer."

My immediate reaction was to delete this comment. It not only is negative, poisonously negative in fact, but it serves no purpose nor is it relevant to the discussion of the post.

However, the more I think on this, the more I realize that this type of behavior, the emotional lashing-out, goes far too far far too frequently, especially in sexually charged settings, such as my blog.

When a woman is comfortably and confidently overt in her sexuality, it does NOT give you permission to be a D-bag. You do not have permission to bombard her with either advances or moral chastisement, or a finely-blended neurotic buffet of anger/judgement/envy/hatred.

So many men, and a few women, have felt the utmost freedom to use harrassing, negative, aggressive, violent, and sometimes murderous speech when contacting/reacting to me and my writing, or in personal missives following what they perceive to be a lack of proper interaction.

It is stunning to me that the rules of social engagement do not apply in the minds of those who are online. It is not surprising, as we (humans) tend to feel far more free to be negative when we are hiding behind the ever-comfortable veil of anonymity. But it is still stunning.

No, it is not socially acceptable to be instantly sexual when contacting ANY woman or man.

No, you are not entitled to my time, attention, or services simply because you dropped a "Nice tits!" or somesuch phrase on a picture that is posted in one of my public profiles.

No, your anger and misplaced sexual repression-induced bile does not belong in my inbox after I politely and firmly set boundaries for communication.

The people behind the words and images, online, are real people.
I am a woman, Domme, wife, mother, worker, writer, and a myriad of other things.
I am not a dumping ground for your emotional toxic waste, and neither is any other person.

I encourage thoughtful comments on the blog, especially those that have a differing opinion to my own. We cannot grow, mentally or sexually, without the challenge and open dialogue of many and varied vantage points.

But, we must move forward in a respectful and positive manner.

I encourage everyone to recalibrate their online communication tactics.

Remember that you are, in fact, communicating with actual human beings.

Show respect for yourselves and those with whom you interact.

Your life, and your mindset, will be more positive.