Hostility Has No Place, Here

I always read my email, first thing, on mornings where I and the pet are afforded the luxury of sleeping in. It is usually an activity that inspires many smiles, a few new musings, and at least one good laugh.

This morning, however, I was greeted by a comment on one of my blog postings.
It read, simply, "I hope you get lung cancer."

My immediate reaction was to delete this comment. It not only is negative, poisonously negative in fact, but it serves no purpose nor is it relevant to the discussion of the post.

However, the more I think on this, the more I realize that this type of behavior, the emotional lashing-out, goes far too far far too frequently, especially in sexually charged settings, such as my blog.

When a woman is comfortably and confidently overt in her sexuality, it does NOT give you permission to be a D-bag. You do not have permission to bombard her with either advances or moral chastisement, or a finely-blended neurotic buffet of anger/judgement/envy/hatred.

So many men, and a few women, have felt the utmost freedom to use harrassing, negative, aggressive, violent, and sometimes murderous speech when contacting/reacting to me and my writing, or in personal missives following what they perceive to be a lack of proper interaction.

It is stunning to me that the rules of social engagement do not apply in the minds of those who are online. It is not surprising, as we (humans) tend to feel far more free to be negative when we are hiding behind the ever-comfortable veil of anonymity. But it is still stunning.

No, it is not socially acceptable to be instantly sexual when contacting ANY woman or man.

No, you are not entitled to my time, attention, or services simply because you dropped a "Nice tits!" or somesuch phrase on a picture that is posted in one of my public profiles.

No, your anger and misplaced sexual repression-induced bile does not belong in my inbox after I politely and firmly set boundaries for communication.

The people behind the words and images, online, are real people.
I am a woman, Domme, wife, mother, worker, writer, and a myriad of other things.
I am not a dumping ground for your emotional toxic waste, and neither is any other person.

I encourage thoughtful comments on the blog, especially those that have a differing opinion to my own. We cannot grow, mentally or sexually, without the challenge and open dialogue of many and varied vantage points.

But, we must move forward in a respectful and positive manner.

I encourage everyone to recalibrate their online communication tactics.

Remember that you are, in fact, communicating with actual human beings.

Show respect for yourselves and those with whom you interact.

Your life, and your mindset, will be more positive.

On Varied Love: An Open Letter to My pet/Husband, on Polyamory

My darling pet, my devoted husband, my best friend, and the father of our beautiful child,

I love you more than I thought it would be possible to love another human being.
You have given me a life, a family, and a home that, without you, would not have been possible.
You teach me, every day, what it means to be a Partner.
You help me, every day, to be the best Domme I can possibly be.

 Because I love you, and because you have given me such varied gifts of love, I believe it is right and salutary that I present this letter, to you, in a way that shares my messages of love for you, and revelation within myself, in a public venue.

I need you to understand what it means when I talk about polyamory.

Polyamory is not based in greed, dissatisfaction, or narcissism.
It is based in the personal and interpersonal knowledge that Love can exist between more than two people and still be True.

 (I have been trying to find an accurate way to express this for over a decade. Being able to finally do so, in a moment of writer's clarity, is one of the great reliefs of my life.)

After ten years, ten long years of trying to figure out what in thunderfuck my brain needed in order to feel whole and complete and sane and at peace, I am finally comfortable saying, "Yes, I am poly."

Yes, I want to enjoy the bodies, minds, and junk of other people.
Yes, I want to lap at a woman's cunt until she loses her mind.
Yes, I want to feel the security of submitting to a man who knows his way around a flogger and the female mind, from a sensually sadistic standpoint.

It's not easy to make these statements, nor are they statements that I make lightly.

I realize that making these statements, and doing so in a public manner, may have intense repercussions in my own home and with you, my own devoted partner.

I also realize that, in order to be the best Domme, wife, and partner possible, all cards must be on the table.
All truth must be transparent and accessible.

 Is this terrifying?
 Yep.
I'm scared-near-shitless to be speaking my truth.

 But, the Truth has a funny way of making itself heard, and of leaving Peace in its wake.

 Here's to Love, and to being honest with those to whom we give it.

 Yours,
 Beatrice


Post Scripts, from Me to him: 

- No amount of play with another person will ever cause me to stop loving you, or to love you in a different manner. You are my Primary, my Heart, and my Husband.

- I did not tell you what was in my head in order to change you.
I did it for myself.
I did it in order to be honest.
I did it in order to follow the same expectations I have set down, for you.
 Honesty.
Transparency.
Clear statements of desires.
Saying things that i'm scared to say, but doing it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.
Keeping nothing a secret.
Keeping you informed of what is happening in my head, no matter how scary I think it might be, both to tell you and for you to hear.

I will never stop telling you the truth.
I will never stop listening to the truth you tell, to me.

Never Disrespect a ProDomme - There Are No Second Chances

It is my professional and personal policy to maintain open and clear communication at all times.
I regularly send "check in" emails or "debriefing" emails to clients following initial sessions to ensure that their comfort and boundaries are intact, and maintain that communication throughout the professional relationship.

I make it a priority to encourage clients to voice concerns in a courteous and open manner. As a friend from the Twitterverse so aptly stated, "[...]informing someone is a common courtesy. Not extending common courtesy to someone usually requiring UNcommon courtesy is a disrespectful move."

My time, my attention, and my skill are all far too valuable to waste upon clients who do not understand the heightened respect and courtesy that must be used during all interaction.

When I am met with disrespect by persons who waste my time, it does nothing but incur my wrath.
There are no second chances, with me: if you waste my time, that time is no longer available to you.

And so, to any and all who interact with Dommes on a professional level, I say to you:

If you have qualms, voice them.
If you are uncomfortable, speak up.
If you no longer wish to communicate or session, inform your Domme as soon as possible.

Do not hide trepidation.
Do not disappear without notice.
Do not sever ties without explanation.
DO NOT refuse or fail to make payment for services rendered, in a professional setting.

Disrespect is NEVER an option.

Communication: The Great Common Denominator

Communication means being willing to speak difficult truths.

It means putting honesty and transparency above comfort.

Communication means speaking your total truth, but also being prepared to hear the truth of your partner(s).

In a D/s, PE, or TPE relationship where control is at a premium, a couple cannot survive unless transparent communication is at the heart of the relationship.

If we look openly and honestly at all relationships, it's clear that communication is the single factor that can make or break even the most solid of romantic foundations.

It's not just the BDSM/Kink community that needs to keep communication at the fore: it's every couple, every poly arrangement, every single human being that wants to get what they need and provide their loved one(s) the same service.

If you do not ask, you cannot know.
If you do wish to know, you must ask.

"What's the point of being Dominated?"

"What's the point of a BDSM session? If I told someone that I was paying a woman to come to my house, kick me in the balls and then slap me before shoving things in my ass, I can't even imagine what they would say to me."

First of all, this cannot be boiled down to a simple goods-for-cash dynamic.
Yes, I am getting paid.
Yes, you are the one paying me.
But I am not a convenience store with product on the shelves, ready for consumption.
We must communicate.
You must be willing to bare your needs, desires, fetishes, and whole sexual self to me, in order for me to give you the EXPERIENCE you desire.

You're paying me to give you the sensory and mental input you crave, in a stylized manner that allows you to give up the constant drive to control and withdraw.

You're paying me to get what you want, the way you want it, in a safe and secure setting, without any fear or shame.

Reducing what you want to the lowest common denominator ("come to my house, kick me in the balls, slap me before shoving things in my ass") feeds a perceived "wrongness" of it.

What I do is not wrong, but it is taboo, and it is not for the faint of heart.
There will be consensual pain, but it is a portal - it allows you to let go of the other types of pain that plague you.

The concept of "how much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight" applies here, as well: how much can you know about yourself until you let go, and give up control to me?

 Asking "what's the point" of a session is like asking "what's the point of sex, for pleasure?" - the point is the emotional, physical, sensory, and mental input.

The point is experiencing pleasure on your own terms, in the way you most desire to feel pleasure.