It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

"What do you get out of being a ProDomme?"

"What do you, as the professional and the facilitator, get out of a session, other than your payment? Do you enjoy your work, or do you just enjoy the financial rewards?"

This question comes from a friend in the vanilla world who has never participated in Kink or BDSM play, and who was extremely curious as to how a professional relationship of this variety could yield enjoyment, on my end. She goes on to ask, "I mean, you are giving them everything they want, after doing all these intake interviews and getting to know them, in depth. Where is your fun, if it exists at all?"

I enjoy my work to an inordinately high degree, and this is why:

Mental domination and the mental/fetishistic analysis of my clients is incredibly stimulating.
Like any experienced professional who chose their field from a love of the work, I adore increasing my repertoire and finding new facets and new outlets for Kink/BDSM play.

Knowing that a person has opened their mind to me, without reservation, is the ultimate thrill.

Watching the internal realizations of submissives gives me immense satisfaction.
Receiving messages or hearing utterances, in person, of self-awareness is the true pinnacle of my work. When a sub understands and expresses understanding of their wants, needs, fantasies, desires, and fetishes, it means that I have succeeded.
When the sub learns how to use that understanding to enjoy themselves to the fullest under my instruction during scenes or verbal play, then I have excelled and they have excelled alongside me.

Ask-a-Domme: "How is cyber-domination possible without ever meeting in person?"

"Not to sound totally ignorant, but how in the world do you do a session through email or chat? Do you make your sub whip himself while reading from a screen?"


Domination and submission are intensely mental experiences. There is a mindset one must occupy to inhabit either the D or the s role. For many individuals, submitting mentally and emotionally is a far more important and meaningful experience than allowing another individual to strike them with any type of implement, and they achieve trust and submission through (shocker!) written correspondence with a partner of their choosing.

This type of submission (and what I believe should come before any physical submission) ensures that the submissive and Dominant understand one another thoroughly on a mental level because, hey, in verbal exchanges on the interwebs, understanding is pretty much all you've got and, in many ways, all you need.  Sure, you can have pictures and have a basic idea of your partner's dimensions, but this does not make or break a mental D/s relationship.

Interacting within a D/s dynamic is not predicated on body position, interpersonal distance, or physical input. A man two thousand miles away could be completely submissive to me without ever having met me or actually kneeled in my physical presence. How? I've owned his mind.  He's invited me into his brain, his desires, and has willingly and consciously submitted to my will.

Last time I checked, the will was an aspect that was neither dependent on touch nor dictated by distance.

For many individuals, cyber play, writing erotica, and engaging in long-distance relationships are their preferred methods of expressing their D or s identities. For personal or professional reasons, they believe that this is the safest or least messy way to maintain their vanilla lives while not denying their kinky selves. Who are we to judge another person's expression of sexuality?

Writing, chatting, taking orders, or simply checking in once a month through an e-mail can work for those who seek a purely verbal interaction. Personally, I find these types of interactions wildly fun, as it takes lots of brains and lots of imagination to make them work well.

In summation - it doesn't take a paddle, it takes two brains interfacing to make a D/s connection or to hold a session. Imagination trumps physical limitations, every time.

Ask-a-Domme: "Is it ethical to treat Domination like a job?"

"...most females that are taking part of the BDSM scene are treating it like a job, making money out of it and "play[ing]" [as] needed in order to maximize profits. It's not that i reject their right to gain money out of it, (on the contrary, i think that males should finance the LADIES and work hard for it), but it should not be the main and only purpose. if it comes as part of controlling all the males privileges, it make sense. same way i see spanking and canning. if it just for enjoying the pain, it is not about female domination - it's about [a] male having some type of sexual release. [However,] if the FEMALE is using pain to demonstrate her ruling or to modify the male behaviour it [is] accepted and even necessary. in principle i embrace every activity that comes as part of giving/taking full control by the sub/MISTRESS although i don't like them all but this is not important in the big picture of total submission.

YOUR thoughts?"

Note: The lower case i is not a repeated mistake but a personal preference of this individual in expressing his submission, mentally, to me and all women. This also accounts for the caps used for the words ladies, female, mistress, and your. 

 Re: spanking/caning/flogging for purposes other than discipline: I know, first hand, the release that can come from such an intense physical experience as part of a session and also the value of this activity in foreplay, so I cannot discount the value of these activities unto themselves. However, I despise solicitation by submissives who only want to be serviced in this way and who do not engage with their Dominants on a cerebral level. If you want pain, release, subspace, catharsis, and to receive all of these things at the hand of a Dominant woman, then don't play at submission - actually submit. I do not condone the practice of men showing up at a dungeon, paying for twenty minutes of spanking with a total stranger, and then leaving. There must be mental understanding and mindfulness of what is occurring and why it is occurring.

 Re: making money as a Domme - I believe that it is accurate to say that most "pro Dominatrix" workers are not trained and do not have the mental capacity to be true/effective Dominants. I see and hear horrible examples of men who sought out a Dominant woman, professionally, and had damaging experiences because the "Dominants" were corseted women with whips who had no formal training in the activities in which they engaged.

 I view what I do as therapeutic, when I physically do sessions with clients. I perform exhaustive intake interviews before ever playing with anyone. I do not cater to men, as this is neither sound professional practice nor contextually sensible. If/when men attempt to order activities like ordering from a menu, I correct them or end the communication. It is my mission to help men, women, and couples understand the benefits of FemDom and the D/s lifestyle in a manner that is built on ethical and intelligent introspection and play.

 I have chosen this as my profession because I believe that the best way for me to provide for my family in a loving and productive way is through doing what I truly love in a way that brings positive change to the world. My husband and I both work, and we do so because we are both intelligent human beings with much to offer the world by way of sharing our talents. This does not mean that I am any less a Domme because I work and provide, and while I can understand your view of wanting males to provide for women, I believe ultimately that the choice to work is the woman's to make.

Communication: The Great Common Denominator

Communication means being willing to speak difficult truths.

It means putting honesty and transparency above comfort.

Communication means speaking your total truth, but also being prepared to hear the truth of your partner(s).

In a D/s, PE, or TPE relationship where control is at a premium, a couple cannot survive unless transparent communication is at the heart of the relationship.

If we look openly and honestly at all relationships, it's clear that communication is the single factor that can make or break even the most solid of romantic foundations.

It's not just the BDSM/Kink community that needs to keep communication at the fore: it's every couple, every poly arrangement, every single human being that wants to get what they need and provide their loved one(s) the same service.

If you do not ask, you cannot know.
If you do wish to know, you must ask.