Showing posts with label 50 Shades of Grey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 50 Shades of Grey. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Don't Play Without Practice
It's been a while, loves.
I've published some smut, collected some essays, and seen quite the parade of narcissistic blather on Twitter since I last wrote in the blogosphere.
It's time for yet another of my rather pointed/vulgar rants.
This time, I'm talking to those who put appearance before substance.
I'm talking to anyone who makes a duck face while wearing a corset, and believes that endows the right to command respect.
I'm talking to every single person, whether Pro or Lifestyle, who bypasses finesse and technique in favor of finery and brute force.
It's not the corset that makes the Domme - it's everything else that happens before you suit up for a session.
You have to learn.
You have to question.
You have to practice.
You have to watch.
You have to participate.
You have to talk.
You have to listen.
You have to realize that no matter how excited or beautiful you are, and no matter how willing men may be to throw cash at you simply because you fulfill their visual fantasy, you have farther to go before knowing what it is you are doing.
You have to be responsible, in this world of kinkiness and leather and delicious fuckery, just like you'd have to be responsible in any other.
Strapping on a dildo may be fun, and hell, you might even look fantastic while wearing it, but if you don't know how to use it - back the fuck up. DO NOT ATTEMPT USE if you HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED.
I don't care if you think you've got an idea. I don't care if you think it will be simple.
If you haven't taken a class, practiced with a seasoned vet of strapon play, or (preferably) a combination of the two, you have NO business fucking anyone in the ass, pussy, or mouth.
If you think you'd love to whip the shit out of a piggy little sub, and you've never held a paddle in your life, nor had any experience administering aftercare (or know what aftercare is!) then you need to slow your roll.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT until you've learned how to direct a sub to safeword, when and how to use water, ice, and lotion, and how to know when skin has had enough even when the sub wants more.
For many of you, dear readers, this is common sense: Learn how to play, before playing. Don't take chances with the safety of others, or your own self.
However, here's the sad state of affairs - the BDSM world, market, whatever you'd like to call it, is saturated with both Dommes and subs who want what they want as quickly as possible, no matter the potential risks that may be involved.
Too often I see women demanding that men inflict massive amounts of pain on their bodies, and I have to question: do those women have any first hand experience with either the application or reception of pain, on that level?
Too often I see Dominants showing off the marks they've left on their submissives and I question whether their own bodies have ever had to withstand force and shock in comparable quantities.
It's not just the physical impact that is administered - there's intense emotional involvement when pain and submission are combined. To take on the responsibility of another person's physical and mental well-being is just that: a responsibility. It has to be taken seriously.
My first teacher taught me this: don't do anything to a sub that you haven't tried on yourself.
I've always followed that guideline, from caning to using plugs, from electro stim to puppy play, we as Dominants cannot expect our subs to accept sensations with which we are not personally familiar.
We are guides. In order to fulfill that role, we have to first learn the way.
I've published some smut, collected some essays, and seen quite the parade of narcissistic blather on Twitter since I last wrote in the blogosphere.
It's time for yet another of my rather pointed/vulgar rants.
This time, I'm talking to those who put appearance before substance.
I'm talking to anyone who makes a duck face while wearing a corset, and believes that endows the right to command respect.
I'm talking to every single person, whether Pro or Lifestyle, who bypasses finesse and technique in favor of finery and brute force.
It's not the corset that makes the Domme - it's everything else that happens before you suit up for a session.
You have to learn.
You have to question.
You have to practice.
You have to watch.
You have to participate.
You have to talk.
You have to listen.
You have to realize that no matter how excited or beautiful you are, and no matter how willing men may be to throw cash at you simply because you fulfill their visual fantasy, you have farther to go before knowing what it is you are doing.
You have to be responsible, in this world of kinkiness and leather and delicious fuckery, just like you'd have to be responsible in any other.
Strapping on a dildo may be fun, and hell, you might even look fantastic while wearing it, but if you don't know how to use it - back the fuck up. DO NOT ATTEMPT USE if you HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED.
I don't care if you think you've got an idea. I don't care if you think it will be simple.
If you haven't taken a class, practiced with a seasoned vet of strapon play, or (preferably) a combination of the two, you have NO business fucking anyone in the ass, pussy, or mouth.
If you think you'd love to whip the shit out of a piggy little sub, and you've never held a paddle in your life, nor had any experience administering aftercare (or know what aftercare is!) then you need to slow your roll.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT until you've learned how to direct a sub to safeword, when and how to use water, ice, and lotion, and how to know when skin has had enough even when the sub wants more.
For many of you, dear readers, this is common sense: Learn how to play, before playing. Don't take chances with the safety of others, or your own self.
However, here's the sad state of affairs - the BDSM world, market, whatever you'd like to call it, is saturated with both Dommes and subs who want what they want as quickly as possible, no matter the potential risks that may be involved.
Too often I see women demanding that men inflict massive amounts of pain on their bodies, and I have to question: do those women have any first hand experience with either the application or reception of pain, on that level?
Too often I see Dominants showing off the marks they've left on their submissives and I question whether their own bodies have ever had to withstand force and shock in comparable quantities.
It's not just the physical impact that is administered - there's intense emotional involvement when pain and submission are combined. To take on the responsibility of another person's physical and mental well-being is just that: a responsibility. It has to be taken seriously.
My first teacher taught me this: don't do anything to a sub that you haven't tried on yourself.
I've always followed that guideline, from caning to using plugs, from electro stim to puppy play, we as Dominants cannot expect our subs to accept sensations with which we are not personally familiar.
We are guides. In order to fulfill that role, we have to first learn the way.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Alpha Males, Beta Males, and Submissive Males: Why Submission Falls Outside Male Hierarchy
A dear friend and fellow Domme wrote a blog post on FLRs (Female Led Relationships), and it sparked a conversation dealing with the terms Alpha and Beta, and how they are applied when men are in submissive roles. Here are a few thoughts that developed from my consideration of that conversation.
If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:
1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.
2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.
3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.
In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.
Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?
The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.
It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.
This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)
Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.
That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.
This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.
Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.
If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:
1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.
2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.
3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.
In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.
Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?
The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.
It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.
This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)
Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.
That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.
This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.
Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.
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