Sissy Beginnings - Questions, Desires, and Willingness to Work

Broaching the topic of sissy play can be daunting, especially for first timers, both male and Female.

The best attitude to take when a significant other, pet, or partner talks about sissy desires is one of openness.

Ask questions.

Be attentive to detail.

Be sure to exude and cultivate safety and security during all conversations.

I emphasize this because there is no way to understand or enjoy a fetish without first understanding where the enjoyment of that fetish comes from, both for You and your partner.

He will be nervous - and You may be slightly confused or thrown off balance - but the only way to move forward is without ambiguity.

Questions are the foundation of understanding where to start and how to move forward in exploring this new-found interest.

The more You learn about his own fantasies the more You’ll become aware that there is room for an immense amount of imagination, pleasure, and enjoyment for BOTH of you within a sissy play context.

Certain questions to ask that will bolster your understanding of his sissy desires, fantasies, and needs are as follows:

“What was it about Sissy Play that first appealed to you?”

“What types of memes, stories, and scenarios have you come across that you find to be most exciting?”

“What type of clothes are you attracted to when you think of dressing up as a gurl?”

“What are some of your own specific fantasies involving sissy play?”

“Are there particular fabrics, sensations, or items that excite you, when dressing up?”

“Have you ever thought of shaving, tweezing, and other modification type activities? If so, have you enacted any, or would you like to?”

“Do your fantasies involve women, men, or both?” (This question can be broached either at the outset or farther into the time during which you are both exploring his sissy desires. Often, the desire for one gender or the other’s involvement outside Your immediate control can fluctuate.)

The above questions are a jumping off point, and yes, they sound a bit academic. I trust that anyone reading will be able to tweak these questions to fit their own style of sissy-sleuthing. They are, by no means, a comprehensive list of points to discuss, nor are they all going to apply to every sissy. However, never be afraid of trial and error, especially when it comes to examining and discussing fantasies. More questions are ALWAYS better than too few.

Questions let him feel safe and to show him that you are interested in understanding his desires.

The greatest asset to a Dominant Female is a thorough understanding of her submissive. With a man who craves sissification, this is overwhelmingly true. He will, most likely, not fully understand his desires, himself.

This is not a bad thing.

If your partner is coming to you and discussing sissy curiosity, it is highly likely that you are the first person to whom he has expressed these desires.

Consider Yourself honored - it takes a very special Woman for a man to feel safe enough to disclose fantasies such as those involved with Sissy Play.

Along with that honor, don’t feel pressured to indulge every fantasy. Keep control and feel free to ask many, many questions and help him get to a point of knowing exactly what it is he wants. Then, sift through his desires and examine which appeal to You, his Mistress.

Next, You can refine a list of potential activities that satisfy both of Your needs. It’s not a one way process of him asking and you giving. On the contrary, you, as the Woman, have every right to mold him into your ideal Sissy.

Not only is it Your right to mold, guide, and lead, but it is essential to the process of him giving up control of his dress, affect, and sexuality as a Sissy. With You in control, he attains the freedom to feel safe when enacting his desires to feel, look, and BE feminine.

The process can’t happen all at once, and often it behooves the Domme to give Her sissy goals to attain each subsequent level of play. 

This can be a gradual escalation of physical modification followed by piece-by-piece building of lingerie wardrobes, or be as simple as allowing him to pick out one item of makeup at a time and having to earn the privilege of learning how to use each item over the span of a few weeks.

Every sissy needs to work. The effort reinforces the value of his transformation and the value of the time and attention being paid to that transformation by the Domme.

Remember: ask questions, listen, and insist on his personal examination of his desires.  Sissy play must be based in honesty and the ability to work hard in attaining transformation from masculine to Feminine.

Your job, as Mistress, is to cultivate Your sissy’s desire to become ever more dedicated to that transformation.

To be continued…

Sometimes, a Domme needs a Wake-up call from Her submissive (A Treatise on Trust)

Let's take a moment to discuss lifestyle submission.
Not once-a-week session submission (which, if that's your thing, more power to you), but the type of submission that occurs between two people who have chosen each other as partners in and out of the bedroom.

Lifestyle submission requires far more than sexual attraction, consent, a fancy set of whips, and two minds that get off on power exchange.
It requires trust.
Boatloads of trust - from both parties.

Trust is a huge barrier for many Dominants. We become so focused on controlling situations, giving control to those who ask for it, and maintaining control over our own demons that we forget or hide from the fact that we MUST put faith and trust in those who are worthy of it.

During this week, my pet and I have faced the challenge of my post-op recovery. Anyone who knows me will attest to my poor behavior, as a patient. I will try to do too much, I will resist care, and I will become angry when I'm called out on my lack of adherence to Dr's orders.

My pet diligently and unwaveringly has called me out, and shown me sense.
And guess what?
He did that in the true spirit of a submissive - he acted as my protector.
He trusted himself, and he trusted his own abilities, even when I refused to do so.

He protected me from my own inappropriate behavior.
He was respectful, but honest, when telling me I was not doing what was best for my health.
He told me, point blank, that my behavior was hurting me and hurting him.

He has put his life in my hands, physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. He pointed out that I need to entrust my health to him and put my care into his hands.

Allowing our submissives to care for us is not weakness.
It is not submission.
It is not an abandonment of our posts.

We must remember to put the same trust in our beloved pets as they have put in us.

On Varied Love: An Open Letter to My pet/Husband, on Polyamory

My darling pet, my devoted husband, my best friend, and the father of our beautiful child,

I love you more than I thought it would be possible to love another human being.
You have given me a life, a family, and a home that, without you, would not have been possible.
You teach me, every day, what it means to be a Partner.
You help me, every day, to be the best Domme I can possibly be.

 Because I love you, and because you have given me such varied gifts of love, I believe it is right and salutary that I present this letter, to you, in a way that shares my messages of love for you, and revelation within myself, in a public venue.

I need you to understand what it means when I talk about polyamory.

Polyamory is not based in greed, dissatisfaction, or narcissism.
It is based in the personal and interpersonal knowledge that Love can exist between more than two people and still be True.

 (I have been trying to find an accurate way to express this for over a decade. Being able to finally do so, in a moment of writer's clarity, is one of the great reliefs of my life.)

After ten years, ten long years of trying to figure out what in thunderfuck my brain needed in order to feel whole and complete and sane and at peace, I am finally comfortable saying, "Yes, I am poly."

Yes, I want to enjoy the bodies, minds, and junk of other people.
Yes, I want to lap at a woman's cunt until she loses her mind.
Yes, I want to feel the security of submitting to a man who knows his way around a flogger and the female mind, from a sensually sadistic standpoint.

It's not easy to make these statements, nor are they statements that I make lightly.

I realize that making these statements, and doing so in a public manner, may have intense repercussions in my own home and with you, my own devoted partner.

I also realize that, in order to be the best Domme, wife, and partner possible, all cards must be on the table.
All truth must be transparent and accessible.

 Is this terrifying?
 Yep.
I'm scared-near-shitless to be speaking my truth.

 But, the Truth has a funny way of making itself heard, and of leaving Peace in its wake.

 Here's to Love, and to being honest with those to whom we give it.

 Yours,
 Beatrice


Post Scripts, from Me to him: 

- No amount of play with another person will ever cause me to stop loving you, or to love you in a different manner. You are my Primary, my Heart, and my Husband.

- I did not tell you what was in my head in order to change you.
I did it for myself.
I did it in order to be honest.
I did it in order to follow the same expectations I have set down, for you.
 Honesty.
Transparency.
Clear statements of desires.
Saying things that i'm scared to say, but doing it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.
Keeping nothing a secret.
Keeping you informed of what is happening in my head, no matter how scary I think it might be, both to tell you and for you to hear.

I will never stop telling you the truth.
I will never stop listening to the truth you tell, to me.

Never Disrespect a ProDomme - There Are No Second Chances

It is my professional and personal policy to maintain open and clear communication at all times.
I regularly send "check in" emails or "debriefing" emails to clients following initial sessions to ensure that their comfort and boundaries are intact, and maintain that communication throughout the professional relationship.

I make it a priority to encourage clients to voice concerns in a courteous and open manner. As a friend from the Twitterverse so aptly stated, "[...]informing someone is a common courtesy. Not extending common courtesy to someone usually requiring UNcommon courtesy is a disrespectful move."

My time, my attention, and my skill are all far too valuable to waste upon clients who do not understand the heightened respect and courtesy that must be used during all interaction.

When I am met with disrespect by persons who waste my time, it does nothing but incur my wrath.
There are no second chances, with me: if you waste my time, that time is no longer available to you.

And so, to any and all who interact with Dommes on a professional level, I say to you:

If you have qualms, voice them.
If you are uncomfortable, speak up.
If you no longer wish to communicate or session, inform your Domme as soon as possible.

Do not hide trepidation.
Do not disappear without notice.
Do not sever ties without explanation.
DO NOT refuse or fail to make payment for services rendered, in a professional setting.

Disrespect is NEVER an option.

It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

Ask-a-Domme : "How can married men see you without cheating?"

"How can men who want Female Domination see you without cheating on their wives?"

This is from a vanilla individual whose line of questioning is all too common. Let's break this down, starting with the "cheating" aspect.

I do not, and have never, provided a service that would involve sexual intercourse, fellatio, cunnilingus, or analingus. I do not kiss clients, and the only time a client's lips would touch any part of me is during foot, shoe, or boot worship.

Now, this is not to say that the only cheating is physical cheating. Mental and emotional cheating are real and valid concerns. It is for this reason that, when I am approached by married male or female clients, I first ask if they have attempted to speak to their spouses.

The point, for me, is to help clients experience and express their Kink to the best and highest degree. I believe that, if a client is married, it is potentially his/her spouse who can be the best Dominant for her/him. Without exception, I offer to train them together, in order to, at least, attempt to facilitate this type of growth between two established partners.

Granted, many married clients want no part of telling their spouses. They are embarrassed, fearful, or otherwise negatively disposed toward the thought of bringing their vanilla partner/spouse into any type of Kink, especially with a ProDomme. (There must be a radical shift away from sexual shame, for every gender in this country, but that is another post.) I have been told, and understand, that, in the minds of many vanilla spouses, a professional Dominant is akin to a prostitute.

While I do not have a problem being mistaken for a sex worker, I do feel the need to point out that (as outlined in a previous paragraph) our jobs vary immensely. IMMENSELY.

To answer, or sum up this answer, I'll say this:

My interaction with submissives is in no way a relationship. When there is an emotional connection, it is one that begins and ends during session times. Sessions are not indicative of romantic feelings, nor do they imply romantic involvement.

All of that being said, the burden of honesty is with the client. If you want to see me, "without cheating," then you need to be honest with your partner about wanting to see me/any ProDomme.

Ask-a-Domme : "So, what is it that you DO?"

"As a pro, what would you say it is that you do, generally?" 


As a ProDomme, I don't do certain things:

 I do not become romantically involved with my clients.
 I do not engage in my own personal nudity/penetration with clients.
 I do not inquire to the personal affairs of my clients beyond those aspects of their lives that are pertinent to my work/the health & safety of all involved.


 As a ProDomme, there are certain things that I always do:

 I cultivate open and honest communication with a submissive/his or her partner(s).
I maintain professional communication at all times. There is no room for games or subterfuge in this interaction.
I strive to provide an experience (whether verbal, physical, tactile, or sensory based) that will help the submissive achieve subspace, catharsis, and peace.
I do this through learning about my clients and teaching them about how to access, accept, and enjoy their submissive natures. I then present them with various activities in which they can be submissive, and guide them on their journey for as long as they wish to interact with me.

Communication: The Great Common Denominator

Communication means being willing to speak difficult truths.

It means putting honesty and transparency above comfort.

Communication means speaking your total truth, but also being prepared to hear the truth of your partner(s).

In a D/s, PE, or TPE relationship where control is at a premium, a couple cannot survive unless transparent communication is at the heart of the relationship.

If we look openly and honestly at all relationships, it's clear that communication is the single factor that can make or break even the most solid of romantic foundations.

It's not just the BDSM/Kink community that needs to keep communication at the fore: it's every couple, every poly arrangement, every single human being that wants to get what they need and provide their loved one(s) the same service.

If you do not ask, you cannot know.
If you do wish to know, you must ask.

Who's Got the Power?: Power Exchange and Mutual Responsibility

Power exchange is defined as a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's obedience, thereby instilling happiness and mental peace for both parties through defined roles during play.

Power and authority must be willingly instilled/bestowed from one person to another.
The power is not taken, it is not forcibly turned into powerlessness.
It is willfully, actively, and consciously given to another person.

The caveat being, of course, that it can be taken back with a single utterance of the safeword.
Only the submissive can decide, with finality, her/his limits.
Those limits can be tested with consent, but never without it.

The interpersonal power of the Dominant relies upon the willingness of the submissive, but the great inherent power of the Dominant resides in her/his will and self control.

As a Domme, I strive for ultimate control over my own actions during a scene.
Do I allow passion to color my decisions?
Yes - I would stagnate otherwise.
But using passion is vastly different than being consumed by passion.
Being consumed is for the submissive - consumed by pleasure, by pain, by subspace.

There is mutual power, in the D/s exchange - it can never be forgotten that being on one's knees NEVER negates one's boundaries, or that the gift of Dominance should ever be flippantly accepted.

Too often I am privvy to stories of interactions in which a Dominant had no regard/respect for the desires of the submissive.
Alternatively, there is no lack of stories during which submissives attempt to top from the bottom and became frustrated when they were asked to truly submit or seek another partner.

It is a decision to give up power, and it is a heavy responsibility to accept that power.
When handled openly, honestly, and with mindfulness, the exchange can be complete, giving the much needed release and control desired by the submissive and Dominant.

"What's the point of being Dominated?"

"What's the point of a BDSM session? If I told someone that I was paying a woman to come to my house, kick me in the balls and then slap me before shoving things in my ass, I can't even imagine what they would say to me."

First of all, this cannot be boiled down to a simple goods-for-cash dynamic.
Yes, I am getting paid.
Yes, you are the one paying me.
But I am not a convenience store with product on the shelves, ready for consumption.
We must communicate.
You must be willing to bare your needs, desires, fetishes, and whole sexual self to me, in order for me to give you the EXPERIENCE you desire.

You're paying me to give you the sensory and mental input you crave, in a stylized manner that allows you to give up the constant drive to control and withdraw.

You're paying me to get what you want, the way you want it, in a safe and secure setting, without any fear or shame.

Reducing what you want to the lowest common denominator ("come to my house, kick me in the balls, slap me before shoving things in my ass") feeds a perceived "wrongness" of it.

What I do is not wrong, but it is taboo, and it is not for the faint of heart.
There will be consensual pain, but it is a portal - it allows you to let go of the other types of pain that plague you.

The concept of "how much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight" applies here, as well: how much can you know about yourself until you let go, and give up control to me?

 Asking "what's the point" of a session is like asking "what's the point of sex, for pleasure?" - the point is the emotional, physical, sensory, and mental input.

The point is experiencing pleasure on your own terms, in the way you most desire to feel pleasure.