How My Submission Informs My Dominance

I began my journey as a psychologically based Dominant, focusing mainly on interrogative styles of interaction between submissive and Dominant.

I was primarily interested in the Female/male power exchange dynamic.

I found that my personality drove me to find out as many details as possible about my submissives, and that I put a heavy emphasis on conversation surrounding scenes in order to put my submissives at ease and to ensure that they were in a peaceful mental state both before and after each scene.  It’s fair to say that I set the mental aspects of both scene play and aftercare ahead of the physical aspects, but have never discounted the value of purely physical play/care.

As I moved through sessions, I became curious as to whether or not I could submit. I knew it would need to be with a Dominant male, and one who possessed vast experience. I started shopping, like so many young women do, hoping to find someone who would inspire, intrigue, challenge, and treasure me. I found, instead, someone who appeared, on the surface, to be all I’d envisioned, but who deteriorated over the course of three sessions. He showed himself to be an abusive man who had no idea how to deliver aftercare, and to be blunt, was most certainly a sadist who had no moral code for assessing or respecting the limits of his submissive. I will not go into detail, as to the abuse that I underwent while seeing this individual, but I will say this: because he was my first, I was afraid to say, “Red” and speak about what I didn’t like. I also realized, after I cut off communication and interaction, that I had not once been asked if I was alright, if I needed explanation, or if I needed even a glass of water during incredibly intense physically demanding scenes filled with impact play and heaving humiliation-based mind games.

This experience deeply affected me, and caused me to drastically revamp my approach with submissives. When a man told me he wanted a cruel and demanding Mistress, I would discuss with him the basis for that desire, and would clearly explain that outside the scene I would not be cruel, but that within the scene I would inhabit the persona of the cruel woman he had envisioned. I would establish check in touches, like three taps to the shoulder, which I would administer in the midst of intense play, giving the submissive the chance to tap out or take a breather if he needed one. I kept water on hand throughout any scene, as well as pretzels to feed any sub who had become so worn out that they needed a carb boost. I was trained in CPR and spoke with submissives about their health conditions and demanded complete honesty about any information that would affect their ability to participate in intensely physical scenes.

The second Dominant male with whom I ever played was the opposite of my first: he was in possession of not only vast knowledge of the scene, but also knew how to pace the relationship, how to gage my reactions to interaction, and how to train me and push me to my limits without harming either my mind or body. This individual taught me, by example, that the best Dominants are not demanding, barking orders, and instilling fear in their girls – the best Dominant males are those that can inspire their girls to be the best possible version of themselves. To say that the Daddy dynamic is important to me would be an understatement, but I think that my deeply rooted need for a father/big-brother figure Dominant is also informed by my desire to be the most caring and challenging Female Dominant possible.

I strive, with each of my submissives, to keep them on their toes, to challenge them to grow and expand their minds and physical limits. To me, this is my duty as a Dominant and someone entrusted with the minds and bodies of others in a BDSM setting. If I am not challenging the mind of a submissive, then I am not exerting my power to the best of my ability, nor am I using my imagination to the extent which my pets deserve.

Because I have been topped by the worst and best ends of the Male Dominant spectrum I know that I am driven to always exist only in the realm of positive experience and personal growth for myself and my submissive partners. In reading this, I hope that you have been inspired to analyze your own Dominant or submissive style, and that you will strive to be the best partner you can possibly be.

Why Submission is Sexy

I adore using my pet like the delightfully willing and submissive boy that he is.
I revel in the fact that I have the privilege of using him in any way I wish.
I get off on the fact that my will is what dictates whether or not he gets to cum.

But, if I'm going to be perfectly frank, I also love knowing that he's submitting to me.

He's under my control.
He's under my protection.
He's just plain under me, most of the time, looking up and begging for more of what I, and only I, give him:
The ability to let go.

Submission is so damn sexy because it's what allows people to let go - and what gives other people (Dominants, I'm talking to you) the chance to get their fingers into another person's grey matter.

Submitting to me means that I get to roam around in your brain and then start using your mind to unravel your body.

Submitting to me means that I get to taste, touch, fuck, push, use, expand, overwhelm, and understand you.

Submitting to me means that I get to get down to the nitty-gritty, ever so hidden, darkest bits of your mind and run around with a flashlight.

Submitting to me means that I get to expose, excavate, and help you express all of the things you never thought were "acceptable" to want, say, do, or discuss.

Submission is sexy because it creates a safe space in which the craziest shit can happen.

Submission is sexy because it gives you permission to be whatever the fuck you want, and not be judged by me when I make/help you do anything we have the mental/physical capacity to enact.

Here's to the submissives, and their endlessly glorious mines of potential.

Alpha Males, Beta Males, and Submissive Males: Why Submission Falls Outside Male Hierarchy

A dear friend and fellow Domme wrote a blog post on FLRs (Female Led Relationships), and it sparked a conversation dealing with the terms Alpha and Beta, and how they are applied when men are in submissive roles. Here are a few thoughts that developed from my consideration of that conversation.

If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:

1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.

2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.

3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.

In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.

Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?

The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.

It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.

This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)

Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.

That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.

This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.

Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.

Heath's Training: High Impact Play, Biting, and Marking

This installment of the account of Heath's training concerns high impact play: marking activities such as biting, clawing, and, of course, striking with various implements. No one should engage in the following activities without training, consent, and full awareness from both parties of the risks involved.

With that being said, let's get to the good stuff!

The Good Stuff

Above are the implements for Heath's preliminary high-impact session. The goal of this play session was to introduce him to the heavier hitters in a time frame devoted solely to his body being marked by implements, fingernails, and teeth. The goal was to turn his skin into a canvas and to see where his initial pain thresholds lay. It turns out, those thresholds are quite high. :-)

As you can see, his ass was warmed quite thoroughly. Pictured is his first taste of a paddle, which he found visually intimidating. He soon discovered that just because an implement looks menacing doesn't mean it can't be used with varying degrees of speed and force. He also felt the sting of the cane across his backside and loved the percussive and rhythmic nature that can be achieved during its use. (Yes, his ass makes a great set of drums.)

You can also see the nail marks that were used to give him some feminine curvature lines along his back. Short natural nails always make the best marks due to being the sharpest and most easily controlled type of fingernail. 

Not pictured are the teeth marks that adorned the front of his body, over 30 in total, symmetrically placed along his ribcage, across his chest, and on his hips and thighs. 

I find that biting is the most intimate and loving of pain delivery methods as it combines the lushness of the Domme's mouth with the severe sharpness of her teeth.

Pictured to the left are the implements used for Heath's follow up High Impact training session. You can see the Big Momma Flogger, paddle, mini flogger, mini slapper, and pinwheel. While only the BMF was added to the already used lineup, the intensity of use for all implements was increased, as was time devoted to the use of each implement.

The BMF is my personal favorite of all my toys, and it delivers quite the thud when used at close range. When used at medium range, the ends deliver hundreds of stings.

 Heath's shoulders, back, and bottom are nicely reddened after a few rounds of the floggers, paddle, and slapper. All implements were used on his back and ass, and changing the implements mid hit certainly caused a great deal of sensory confusion/sensory overload.

I highly recommend lots of pace and implement change-ups to keep the submissive alert and totally immersed at once, but only to those Dommes who are completely comfortable and adept in using and changing implements quickly. 

Here he is, again, in the same pose, but being used as human furniture. I love to give a short break or two during which I balance and/or drape implements over the submissive. 

This practice not only allows their bodies and minds a short space in which to breathe/settle, but it also forces them to still perform while at rest - Heath knows that he must not allow the implements to move or fall from his body.

He is also demonstrating excellent form in keeping his supplicant posture with head down, hands clasped, and feet together. He has made himself totally accessible without spreading his body all over the bed, thus making it far more convenient for me to strike from all angles without moving all around the bed and room.

At the end of the High Impact session, he was left with bite marks, flogger/slapper marks, and a very relaxed body. The most wonderful aspect, for me, of sessions in which the sub's body is worked over is this: the total relaxation that is achieved through sending their bodies and minds into subspace through constant, varied, and delicious pain.