Balancing Dominant/submissive Dynamics and Evolutionary Needs

A long time ago I had to learn that there isn't ownership of a sub toward a Dom, and that jealousy is the death of happiness in a D/s dynamic.

I own my pet, but if he tried to own me it would create an awful dynamic. The very definition of Topping from the bottom is a sub attempting to control the actions, decisions, and interactions of their Dom.

It is not the role of a submissive to dictate My behavior; it is My job as the submissive's Dominant to act in a manner that keeps my submissive safe, cared for, satisfied, and which encourages that submissive to grow and evolve in their life, both Kinkily and personally.

When there's open and consistent analysis and conversation, this dynamic can flourish. I use the word analysis because there's a very high degree of consideration, introspection, and comparative critical thinking that's necessary to maintain the delicate balance between a Dominant and submissive, especially when the Dominant maintains a stable of submissives rather than interacting purely 1:1 with a single pet.

When I've been topped, or when I'm owned, I enjoy knowing that I don't have to be jealous because the concept simply is inapplicable.

To be owned means to let go of the need for control, not only over yourself but also over the other person's emotions. You become a cherished possession, but not an equal or dictating force. It is the peace of a servant, pet, and slave to be told, to listen, to adhere, to receive, and to give permission to their Dom for such a power exchange to occur.

I'm of the belief that the typical Dominant individual craves the constant variance afforded by polyamorous/stable interaction with several submissives because it allows the Dominant to flex different styles of dominance, play, and influence, thereby building Her/His repertoire and continuing to evolve.

When jealousy and shut mouths enter the fray, even the most caring Dominant and submissive/s relationship can fall to pieces. Jealousy is the deadliest emotion for a submissive, often turning their love for a Dominant into a need merely to fend off any other submissives who would "steal" or "lessen" attention for themselves. The solution, in my own experience, to jealousy is to realize that each pet is cherished as an individual, not as one of several identical possessions.

We don't wear one outfit, eat one meal, or watch one television show. We don't adore one song, one artist, or one instrument and forsake all others. We thrive, as humans, on variety and the ever evolving variances in our own tastes, abilities, and desires.

Submissives, realize that your greatest asset is your individuality and unique talents - they are what caused your Dominant to choose you, spend time with and on you, and care for you and your needs.

Dominants, remember, if you wish to continue to grow and also interact with a growing number of submissives: be sure that you can appreciate, care for, and encourage each of them to the best of your ability while also receiving what you desire.

How My Submission Informs My Dominance

I began my journey as a psychologically based Dominant, focusing mainly on interrogative styles of interaction between submissive and Dominant.

I was primarily interested in the Female/male power exchange dynamic.

I found that my personality drove me to find out as many details as possible about my submissives, and that I put a heavy emphasis on conversation surrounding scenes in order to put my submissives at ease and to ensure that they were in a peaceful mental state both before and after each scene.  It’s fair to say that I set the mental aspects of both scene play and aftercare ahead of the physical aspects, but have never discounted the value of purely physical play/care.

As I moved through sessions, I became curious as to whether or not I could submit. I knew it would need to be with a Dominant male, and one who possessed vast experience. I started shopping, like so many young women do, hoping to find someone who would inspire, intrigue, challenge, and treasure me. I found, instead, someone who appeared, on the surface, to be all I’d envisioned, but who deteriorated over the course of three sessions. He showed himself to be an abusive man who had no idea how to deliver aftercare, and to be blunt, was most certainly a sadist who had no moral code for assessing or respecting the limits of his submissive. I will not go into detail, as to the abuse that I underwent while seeing this individual, but I will say this: because he was my first, I was afraid to say, “Red” and speak about what I didn’t like. I also realized, after I cut off communication and interaction, that I had not once been asked if I was alright, if I needed explanation, or if I needed even a glass of water during incredibly intense physically demanding scenes filled with impact play and heaving humiliation-based mind games.

This experience deeply affected me, and caused me to drastically revamp my approach with submissives. When a man told me he wanted a cruel and demanding Mistress, I would discuss with him the basis for that desire, and would clearly explain that outside the scene I would not be cruel, but that within the scene I would inhabit the persona of the cruel woman he had envisioned. I would establish check in touches, like three taps to the shoulder, which I would administer in the midst of intense play, giving the submissive the chance to tap out or take a breather if he needed one. I kept water on hand throughout any scene, as well as pretzels to feed any sub who had become so worn out that they needed a carb boost. I was trained in CPR and spoke with submissives about their health conditions and demanded complete honesty about any information that would affect their ability to participate in intensely physical scenes.

The second Dominant male with whom I ever played was the opposite of my first: he was in possession of not only vast knowledge of the scene, but also knew how to pace the relationship, how to gage my reactions to interaction, and how to train me and push me to my limits without harming either my mind or body. This individual taught me, by example, that the best Dominants are not demanding, barking orders, and instilling fear in their girls – the best Dominant males are those that can inspire their girls to be the best possible version of themselves. To say that the Daddy dynamic is important to me would be an understatement, but I think that my deeply rooted need for a father/big-brother figure Dominant is also informed by my desire to be the most caring and challenging Female Dominant possible.

I strive, with each of my submissives, to keep them on their toes, to challenge them to grow and expand their minds and physical limits. To me, this is my duty as a Dominant and someone entrusted with the minds and bodies of others in a BDSM setting. If I am not challenging the mind of a submissive, then I am not exerting my power to the best of my ability, nor am I using my imagination to the extent which my pets deserve.

Because I have been topped by the worst and best ends of the Male Dominant spectrum I know that I am driven to always exist only in the realm of positive experience and personal growth for myself and my submissive partners. In reading this, I hope that you have been inspired to analyze your own Dominant or submissive style, and that you will strive to be the best partner you can possibly be.

BDSM Education of the Vanilla World - A Call For Change

Kink – such a small, simple word – is the blanket term we give to creative sexual expression. Kink is the permission we give ourselves to explore what it is that turns us on, and the way in which we can most fully experience the bodies and minds of others in a sexual context.

A great segment of the Vanilla world lives in a repressed and sexually stigmatized reality, a reality in which looking outside the sexual norm means people will be ostracized, excluded, and derided by the majority. For so many, it is this slavery to the perceived cultural majority that keeps them from taking the time to understand themselves. This is the barrier that stands in the way of so much of the Western world: the barrier of perceived “normalcy” and mental slavery to the group before the self.

In a time where the headlines are rife with cases of domestic sexual abuse, female genital mutilation, sex trafficking, and endless other examples of repressed sexuality turning into violence against humanity, it is the responsibility of the Kinky Community to educate others on the myriad avenues of sexual expression available through Kink and BDSM.  It is our responsibility to share our stories of self-awareness, self-exploration, and finding communities in which we are allowed to mentally and sexually thrive.

We see horrifying examples like the Duggar family, in which a cult of reproduction reduces women to vessels and controls female and male sexual pleasure, negating freedom and exploration through shame and proprietary mandates.  We know that sexual repression results in sexual violence, abuse, rape, personal shame, stifled growth of self awareness, and deep rooted fear of sexuality and our own bodies. This invasive and frightening “family value” of owning female sexuality and female bodies cannot be allowed to continue to permeate the national psyche, and it needs an antidote.

I propose that we can be that antidote. Through teaching, through starting conversations in bars, through women teaching women (and men) about the Kinky way – the way of exploration and awareness – we can counteract the typical American majority of repression.

How many women and men forgo seeking out true sexual fulfillment because they are worried about how they will be perceived? How many persons of every gender remain trapped in monotonous sexual routines (or lack of sexual interaction) because they believe it is better to stay “safe” than to find what they truly desire?

If we are to be ambassadors of Kink and BDSM, if we are to stand outside of the closet and speak with a sexually positive voice, then we must reach out to both the new members of our community and those outside of the community who question their ability to stretch the boundaries of their experience. We must promote self-awareness, on sexual and platonic levels. We must strive to uphold transparency, critical awareness of our own prejudices, and the desire to lead by an example of open dialogue amongst our own community and the Vanilla world that so often looks in but is afraid to join in.