Don't Play Without Practice

It's been a while, loves.
I've published some smut, collected some essays, and seen quite the parade of narcissistic blather on Twitter since I last wrote in the blogosphere.

It's time for yet another of my rather pointed/vulgar rants.

This time, I'm talking to those who put appearance before substance.
I'm talking to anyone who makes a duck face while wearing a corset, and believes that endows the right to command respect.
I'm talking to every single person, whether Pro or Lifestyle, who bypasses finesse and technique in favor of finery and brute force.

It's not the corset that makes the Domme - it's everything else that happens before you suit up for a session.

You have to learn.
You have to question.
You have to practice.
You have to watch.
You have to participate.
You have to talk.
You have to listen.

You have to realize that no matter how excited or beautiful you are, and no matter how willing men may be to throw cash at you simply because you fulfill their visual fantasy, you have farther to go before knowing what it is you are doing.

You have to be responsible, in this world of kinkiness and leather and delicious fuckery, just like you'd have to be responsible in any other.

Strapping on a dildo may be fun, and hell, you might even look fantastic while wearing it, but if you don't know how to use it - back the fuck up. DO NOT ATTEMPT USE if you HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED.

I don't care if you think you've got an idea. I don't care if you think it will be simple.
If you haven't taken a class, practiced with a seasoned vet of strapon play, or (preferably) a combination of the two, you have NO business fucking anyone in the ass, pussy, or mouth.

If you think you'd love to whip the shit out of a piggy little sub, and you've never held a paddle in your life, nor had any experience administering aftercare (or know what aftercare is!) then you need to slow your roll.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT until you've learned how to direct a sub to safeword, when and how to use water, ice, and lotion, and how to know when skin has had enough even when the sub wants more.

For many of you, dear readers, this is common sense: Learn how to play, before playing. Don't take chances with the safety of others, or your own self.

However, here's the sad state of affairs - the BDSM world, market, whatever you'd like to call it, is saturated with both Dommes and subs who want what they want as quickly as possible, no matter the potential risks that may be involved.

Too often I see women demanding that men inflict massive amounts of pain on their bodies, and I have to question: do those women have any first hand experience with either the application or reception of pain, on that level?

Too often I see Dominants showing off the marks they've left on their submissives and I question whether their own bodies have ever had to withstand force and shock in comparable quantities.

It's not just the physical impact that is administered - there's intense emotional involvement when pain and submission are combined. To take on the responsibility of another person's physical and mental well-being is just that: a responsibility. It has to be taken seriously.

My first teacher taught me this: don't do anything to a sub that you haven't tried on yourself.
I've always followed that guideline, from caning to using plugs, from electro stim to puppy play, we as Dominants cannot expect our subs to accept sensations with which we are not personally familiar.

We are guides. In order to fulfill that role, we have to first learn the way.

Dommes, We Get What We Give

I've read quite a bit about Dommes who are angered by men who are timewasters and losers, due to the fact that they do not instantly bow down, lick shiny patent leather toed pumps, open up the wallet, or do similar instant shows of submission.

I cannot help but roll my eyes.

Ladies, let us remember: We get what We give.

If we expect men to throw cash at us without so much as a mutual understanding of needs/desires/wants/expectations, then how in fuck-all are we better than the subs who email and immediately start the 40 questions routine?

If we demand to be worshipped before rapport is established with a would-be worshipper, then we are no better than the subs who try to top from the bottom and want Our time on their terms.

We've all shut down the fucktards who are demanding and who show no respect.

What, then, should we do when we, or Dommes we know, suddenly find ourselves demanding things that we have no right to demand?
We have to call a spade a spade and shut THAT type of behavior down.

When submissives are asked to pay to converse/establish rapport, then the submissive immediately feels used.
Demands for money without an established understanding of each other's wants/needs is just as disingenuous as a submissive who is all talk/a time waster.
And, let me clarify the term "used."

There is being used in play, in a consenting environment, and there is being used in real life in an unethical way by a Domme who is not holding up her end of the interaction.

Like it or not, would-be-Dominants, nothing comes for free.

To do FinDom, or any aspect of FemDom correctly, you need to actually BE a Dominant, and that means doing the work. Submission should NEVER happen instantaneously.

Domination should NEVER be presumed, just because you have Domme/Mistress/Madame/Goddess in front of your screen name.

If you expect instant gratification, I've got a news flash: you're in the wrong business/lifestyle.

Until you realize that you give what you get, you'll continue to give/get at the lowest common denominator.

We are better than that.
Let's act like we know it.

A Call for Change and Determination

As Dommes, subs, Kinksters, fetishists, sexual beings, human beings, lovers, and professionals, we cannot stop at pleasure.
We cannot stop at the exchange of touch and sensation.

We have to move farther.
We have to think bigger.

We have to come together, as a community, not merely in a communal search for partners and those with whom we can play, but as whole persons - productive members of society who are capable of carrying the dialogue of BDSM and its benefits beyond the secrecy of our respective bedrooms.

I see and hear and have experienced so many stories of individuals who felt despair and fear as a result of their proclivities. Whether because they did not know how to find what they needed or because they entrusted those needs to men and women who were either malicious or uninterested in truly providing a safe, sane, and consensual atmosphere, they found only questions and doubt instead of fulfillment.

This trend of fear must be put to an end.

I have an idea.
It's just a seed, right now.
It has the potential to grow.

I want to find all the professionals, all those with education, experience, articulation, and interest in bettering the world for ALL of us.
I want to find community leaders, those who believe they have the capacity and ability to change the atmosphere of secrecy in a Vanilla world.
I want to begin the process of developing safe havens, centers for education, truly productive associations that are not based on hedonism alone or recovery alone, but where ALL who wish to learn and grow in their BDSM/Kink lives can do so as WHOLE PERSONS.

My background is in Speech Pathology. My work in the medical field informs my work as a ProDomme EVERY day. The compassion and analysis I brought form that field to this are integral to my work and cannot be denied as factors that inform my interaction with clients and students.

We cannot continue to live in a world where our sexual preferences defines us and keeps us closeted.
It is not an option. We have to pool our mental resources.
We have to apply the creativity present in our sex lives to our everyday lives in order to make the two sides harmonious.

The separation must end.

Never Disrespect a ProDomme - There Are No Second Chances

It is my professional and personal policy to maintain open and clear communication at all times.
I regularly send "check in" emails or "debriefing" emails to clients following initial sessions to ensure that their comfort and boundaries are intact, and maintain that communication throughout the professional relationship.

I make it a priority to encourage clients to voice concerns in a courteous and open manner. As a friend from the Twitterverse so aptly stated, "[...]informing someone is a common courtesy. Not extending common courtesy to someone usually requiring UNcommon courtesy is a disrespectful move."

My time, my attention, and my skill are all far too valuable to waste upon clients who do not understand the heightened respect and courtesy that must be used during all interaction.

When I am met with disrespect by persons who waste my time, it does nothing but incur my wrath.
There are no second chances, with me: if you waste my time, that time is no longer available to you.

And so, to any and all who interact with Dommes on a professional level, I say to you:

If you have qualms, voice them.
If you are uncomfortable, speak up.
If you no longer wish to communicate or session, inform your Domme as soon as possible.

Do not hide trepidation.
Do not disappear without notice.
Do not sever ties without explanation.
DO NOT refuse or fail to make payment for services rendered, in a professional setting.

Disrespect is NEVER an option.

It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

"Forced Bisexual Activity - Is it an option for Your submissives, as a ProDomme?"

"my question is around forced bi activity. for me the highest level of trust is to do for your MISTRESS thing that you didn't think you will ever do and when you trust her, every barrier is crossed without hesitation. how difficult is to make sub having homosexual activity if he is not naturally BI sexual? is it something YOU will recommend to most Mistress and subs?"

IMPORTANT NOTE: This question is being asked in the context of TPE (total power exchange) in which the submissive male has willingly and with full understanding given a Dominant Female power to choose his sexual partners. There is no sexual abuse, rape, or non-consensual interaction.

So, we're discussing the "forcing of bisexual activity" on a straight sub, as part of instruction in a TPE relationship with his Mistress.

The fluidity of force, such as the kind present in TPE, inherently implies the opposite of force, which is willing consent.
The submissive male has WILLINGLY CONSENTED to give up the right to refuse his Mistress.
He has actively informed her that he wishes to be "forced" to do things outside of his current comfort zone.
This shows a remarkably beautiful level of trust in the Dominant Female to push limits with the utmost responsibility.

The activity described is not a game.
It is not roleplaying.
It is a Dominant Woman ordering a submissive male to engage with another male, sexually.

There are several possible purposes for this activity:

The first being to cement the submissive male's total devotion and trust in his Mistress by placing him in a situation where he must choose either his own desires or those of his Madame. (However, as with any TPE, it is the great irony that the submissive's desire IS to please the Madame, and so he must, naturally, enjoy doing whatever he is told to do, even if the activity is not one he would EVER engage in outside of his servitude to the Mistress.)

The second possible purpose is to create a scene in which a submissive male can have the freedom to explore sexual interaction with another male. So many men have been programmed and conditioned to believe that this type of sexual experimentation is so wrong, so foul, and so indicative of weakness that they require the presence of a Female Dominant to literally give them permission to explore other men.

The third possible purpose is to delve into one of the most extreme forms of sexual humiliation possible, for truly straight submissive men. For those who crave total and abject humiliation, being told to sexually please another man for the enjoyment of their Mistress is the ultimate experience in exploitation and humiliation.

I do not recommend this activity to most Mistresses or Their subs because this is a dynamic that can be realized by only the most intelligent, considerate, aware, and experienced Dommes.
It takes many months (and possibly years) of interaction, in my opinion, to build a D/s relationship to the level of trust at which a truly heterosexual submissive male could safely/sanely be commanded to sexually please another man for the Mistress.

With all safety and consent in place, the potential for pleasure during a ForcedBi scene is off the charts, for all parties involved.
I have enacted such a scene with a long-term submissive and one of his close friends, after weeks of discussion and preparation.
The two men were both interested in each other and both found a huge amount of release in being instructed to touch and be touched. Being given permission was the greatest aphrodisiac, to both of them, and the power I so clearly had over them was mind-blowingly erotic.

I highly encourage anyone considering ForcedBi play to be open, honest, and exploratory in their conversations with their Mistresses/partners.

Go forth, and be Kinky!

"Why do we need safe words?"

"Why are safe words important?"

This is a real question, submitted by self-identified "dominant."  I use the lower case d because any Dominant worth the name knows the answer to this question.

Let me emphasize how VITALLY IMPORTANT safe words, and their clear presentation, are to submissives and Dominants during any type of play. Safe words provide the assurance of safety, sanity, and consent.

A safe word is the signal that can be given by the submissive at any point during play that causes ALL activity to stop immediately. No matter when it is uttered, the Dominant must stop what is happening and check in with the submissive to find out whether the scene needs to end, be modified, or if the sub needs to have a break.

I prefer my subs to use the word RED. Simple, effective, not easily mistaken for another word, and not a word commonly uttered by itself. I also instruct  my subs to use the word YELLOW to signal to me when they want a certain activity scaled back, but not stopped entirely. In play during which the mouth is gagged, I implement the three tap signal. Three taps, and play stops.

Am important note: while the Dominant must instruct the sub in use of safe words, it is the responsibility of BOTH parties to communicate and ensure safety throughout the session. The sub must be willing and able to communicate his or her comfort or discomfort.

Ask-a-Domme: "How can you be a ProDomme if you've ever been a submissive?!"

"[I find it hard to understand how a Domme can feel secure in her Dominance when she has, in the past, been in a submissive position. Can you explain how you justify this, to those with whom you interact on a professional level?]"
(This question was, shall we say, originally worded in a far less tactful/grammatically correct manner. Hence, the full [ ] treatment.)

Yes. Yes, I can explain.

As with any other profession, I didn't start at the top of the food chain with all knowledge, skill, and understanding in tact. I did not wake up one morning blessed with immediate insight into how one goes about owning the mind and/or body of a submissive, nor did I inherently know how to utilize many and various implements.

I did, admittedly, come from a place of basic understanding of a submissive's need because a part of me also has those needs.

I believe, as on the Kinsey scale of sexuality, we are all along a scale of both Dominance and submission. I am, in majority, Dominant. That is a fact. I enjoy control and I enjoy leading and teaching. However, there is a part of me that is submissive. Upon first entering the scene, I believe all those who are truly curious and want to understand their desires begin as submissive (to some degree), and seek out a Dom who will teach them the ropes (pun intended).

I started as a submissive because I needed to learn how to express my Dominant tendencies before knowing any of the terminology of either mindset. I just was a sexual being needing to understand some new, strange, and intense urges. You cannot, ethically, Dominate another person when you do not understand Domination on a mental and physical level. You don't put the lash to someone's back unless you know what it feels like, nor do you use clamps, restraints, sensory toys, or anything else, unless you know exactly what they cause, physically and emotionally.

I am open about my learning as a submissive because, in the professional world, you MUST present credentials. I have a Master's and two Bachelor's degrees, all three of which I cite whenever filling out an application in the vanilla world. I would not be taken seriously or considered as a viable option for employment at the highest levels unless I had been educated and taught by those who have been in their respective fields for much longer than I.

I count myself privileged. 
I had the great honor to be taught by a man who had been in the field of Domination and Kink for an extensive period of time; a man who treasured safety and sanity alongside pleasure and mutual understanding. He, also, learned from a Dominant as a submissive. It is the natural way. In clinical terms, it is best practice.

It is because of the great gifts he gave me that I am determined to share those gifts with others, and do so professionally so that my time can be devoted to such endeavors without the distraction of other work responsibilities.

Ask-a-Domme : "So, what is it that you DO?"

"As a pro, what would you say it is that you do, generally?" 


As a ProDomme, I don't do certain things:

 I do not become romantically involved with my clients.
 I do not engage in my own personal nudity/penetration with clients.
 I do not inquire to the personal affairs of my clients beyond those aspects of their lives that are pertinent to my work/the health & safety of all involved.


 As a ProDomme, there are certain things that I always do:

 I cultivate open and honest communication with a submissive/his or her partner(s).
I maintain professional communication at all times. There is no room for games or subterfuge in this interaction.
I strive to provide an experience (whether verbal, physical, tactile, or sensory based) that will help the submissive achieve subspace, catharsis, and peace.
I do this through learning about my clients and teaching them about how to access, accept, and enjoy their submissive natures. I then present them with various activities in which they can be submissive, and guide them on their journey for as long as they wish to interact with me.

Communication: The Great Common Denominator

Communication means being willing to speak difficult truths.

It means putting honesty and transparency above comfort.

Communication means speaking your total truth, but also being prepared to hear the truth of your partner(s).

In a D/s, PE, or TPE relationship where control is at a premium, a couple cannot survive unless transparent communication is at the heart of the relationship.

If we look openly and honestly at all relationships, it's clear that communication is the single factor that can make or break even the most solid of romantic foundations.

It's not just the BDSM/Kink community that needs to keep communication at the fore: it's every couple, every poly arrangement, every single human being that wants to get what they need and provide their loved one(s) the same service.

If you do not ask, you cannot know.
If you do wish to know, you must ask.

Who's Got the Power?: Power Exchange and Mutual Responsibility

Power exchange is defined as a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's obedience, thereby instilling happiness and mental peace for both parties through defined roles during play.

Power and authority must be willingly instilled/bestowed from one person to another.
The power is not taken, it is not forcibly turned into powerlessness.
It is willfully, actively, and consciously given to another person.

The caveat being, of course, that it can be taken back with a single utterance of the safeword.
Only the submissive can decide, with finality, her/his limits.
Those limits can be tested with consent, but never without it.

The interpersonal power of the Dominant relies upon the willingness of the submissive, but the great inherent power of the Dominant resides in her/his will and self control.

As a Domme, I strive for ultimate control over my own actions during a scene.
Do I allow passion to color my decisions?
Yes - I would stagnate otherwise.
But using passion is vastly different than being consumed by passion.
Being consumed is for the submissive - consumed by pleasure, by pain, by subspace.

There is mutual power, in the D/s exchange - it can never be forgotten that being on one's knees NEVER negates one's boundaries, or that the gift of Dominance should ever be flippantly accepted.

Too often I am privvy to stories of interactions in which a Dominant had no regard/respect for the desires of the submissive.
Alternatively, there is no lack of stories during which submissives attempt to top from the bottom and became frustrated when they were asked to truly submit or seek another partner.

It is a decision to give up power, and it is a heavy responsibility to accept that power.
When handled openly, honestly, and with mindfulness, the exchange can be complete, giving the much needed release and control desired by the submissive and Dominant.

"What's the point of being Dominated?"

"What's the point of a BDSM session? If I told someone that I was paying a woman to come to my house, kick me in the balls and then slap me before shoving things in my ass, I can't even imagine what they would say to me."

First of all, this cannot be boiled down to a simple goods-for-cash dynamic.
Yes, I am getting paid.
Yes, you are the one paying me.
But I am not a convenience store with product on the shelves, ready for consumption.
We must communicate.
You must be willing to bare your needs, desires, fetishes, and whole sexual self to me, in order for me to give you the EXPERIENCE you desire.

You're paying me to give you the sensory and mental input you crave, in a stylized manner that allows you to give up the constant drive to control and withdraw.

You're paying me to get what you want, the way you want it, in a safe and secure setting, without any fear or shame.

Reducing what you want to the lowest common denominator ("come to my house, kick me in the balls, slap me before shoving things in my ass") feeds a perceived "wrongness" of it.

What I do is not wrong, but it is taboo, and it is not for the faint of heart.
There will be consensual pain, but it is a portal - it allows you to let go of the other types of pain that plague you.

The concept of "how much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight" applies here, as well: how much can you know about yourself until you let go, and give up control to me?

 Asking "what's the point" of a session is like asking "what's the point of sex, for pleasure?" - the point is the emotional, physical, sensory, and mental input.

The point is experiencing pleasure on your own terms, in the way you most desire to feel pleasure.

Shameless - Redefining the Concept

As a proDomme, I have been referred to as shameless by both proponents and detractors of my work.

Shameless, as it is most commonly used, denotes a female who is overtly sexual in appearance, action, language, or all three.

Shameless = hussy.
Shameless = slut.


What a strange and twisted turn of verbal and lingual events.

I propose that we must secure the literal meaning of the word.
Shameless: without shame, lacking shame, devoid of shame.

We must secure this absence of shame for all consenting adults who seek to explore and participate fully in their own sexuality and the sexuality of consenting partners.

We must, one by one, abolish shame from the pursuit of sexual self-awareness.
We cannot equate recklessness with freedom.
We must take responsibility for our sexuality in every sense.

We must replace shame with determination and a commitment to discovery and respect of our sexual selves and those of our partners.

I am without shame.
I am Shameless.