It is Time to Stop Living in Fear

I am tired.

I am tired of my own shame.

I am tired of my own fear.

I am the product of a highly religious household: an environment that shaped my talents and tempered my discipline, but it also made me believe that at a core level, I was defective.
There was no abuse, no hatred, and no fear growing up, but there was judgement.
There were vast, seemingly unnavigable oceans of rules and boundaries and expectations.
I learned to stay afloat by building my raft out of lies.

I lied about who I loved.
I lied about who I preferred.
I lied about what I enjoyed.
I lied about who I was.

Even as a ProDomme and a staunch supporter of Kink and the Responsible BDSM Lifestyle, I still live a double life.

I still live in fear of being outed, of being exposed, of being completely open and honest about the work that I do.

I am afraid of being disowned by the vanilla, sheltered, hetero-normative family members who cannot fathom why I would be, in their words, so different; so sinful; so degenerate; so wrong.

All these negative words, all these paper bullets of the brain: they have kept us silent, for too long.
They have kept us in shame, for too long.
They have kept us separate from one another, for too long.

I submit, as one who has fears and trepidations about being outed, that we cannot live in anxiety.
The cycle of shame has to stop, now.
It is not right for us to push our lifestyle on others, nor is it right for us to demand all accept our individual proclivities.
It is, however, time to accept ourselves and stop living in fear.

Fear keeps us apart.
Fear keeps us out of communication.
Fear keeps us angry, alone, frustrated, and desperate.
Fear keeps us from asking for what we need.
Fear keeps us from finding our happiness.

It is time to stop living in fear.

"What do you think of the word 'slut'?"

"What do you think of the word, 'slut,' Madame?"

Ok - this may be rant-worthy.
Get a beverage, relax, and prepare accordingly.

Let's start with an initial reaction:
I love the word slut.

I love the way it slides through my teeth, rolls off my tongue, and cracks off my hard palate.

Sssssss-llllll-uT.

It snaps a sub's head around, when uttered out of nowhere.
It makes men blush, when they hear it applied to them, for the first time, and then they blush even more deeply when they realize it's a compliment.
Slut.
It tastes good, it feels good, and it is visceral in its sound.
You cannot say it gently.
You cannot sugar coat it.
Slut.
It's a damn fine title, and a delicious way to tell a pet exactly how proud you are of their overt sexual need.

Now that I've gotten my excited self out of the way, let's look at this word in a different context.
Slut.
I've been called this, by an attacker.
Slut.
I've heard it said in disgusted whispers by women who wish they could let go of their Puritanical hang ups, but instead simply look down on those who have let go.
Slut.
I've heard dozens upon dozens of women tell me that an attacker/abuser used this word to demean her; used this word as justification for hurting her; used this word to label her as someone who deserved rape.

There's no denying it - in the vanilla world, in most of the world, this word is not used as a compliment.
It's used to keep sexual women, or anyone else who does not conform to strict notions of sexual propriety, in a tidy little four letter box of shame.

I say, fuck that.

Fuck. That. Noise.

I say, slut is a fantastic word that needs to be reworked, overhauled, and taken back.
I am, by no means, the first nor the last person to say this.

I'm not saying that women should parade about and happily proclaim that they are sluts, because, frankly, out of play, the word doesn't carry positive mojo.
We can't use what we don't yet own - so easy on wearing shirts that say slut to the club - it will probably not work in your favor.
Is this ok? No. You should be able to wear whatever you damn well please, but I'm living in the real world where wearing a shirt with SLUT printed across the boobs will garner you either multiple gropings or some serious shit talking, neither of which I would enjoy on a night out.
But hey, if you want to do it anyway, I salute your fortitude and hope you get out there and change some minds!

But back to the happy place of slut.
(Sssssssssssslut)

I can't help but imagine one of my clients, on all fours, drooling with a plug in his ass, shit-eating grin on his face, looking up at me and positively BEAMING when I call him a slut, and say it with a smile and a pat on the head.
He's earned that title.
He's earned it by allowing himself to ENJOY his sexuality.
He's earned it by not giving two tenths of a shit about what society may have to say, regarding his personal proclivities.

I think of a young woman who learned how to enjoy the word slut during sessions:
How she would blush at first when it was used, but then worked harder to earn the right to hear that title.
Who let go of her embarrassment, poor body image, and insecurities and LOVED HERSELF enough to get slutty, which really just means getting free.

In the end, Slut, to me, is a wonderful word because it means that the submissive has let go, entirely, and has asked, begged for, and enjoyed what they need, and done so without reservation.

Let us be proud of our submissive sluts - and let's never shame those who responsibly reach that level of freedom.

Who's Got the Power?: Power Exchange and Mutual Responsibility

Power exchange is defined as a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's obedience, thereby instilling happiness and mental peace for both parties through defined roles during play.

Power and authority must be willingly instilled/bestowed from one person to another.
The power is not taken, it is not forcibly turned into powerlessness.
It is willfully, actively, and consciously given to another person.

The caveat being, of course, that it can be taken back with a single utterance of the safeword.
Only the submissive can decide, with finality, her/his limits.
Those limits can be tested with consent, but never without it.

The interpersonal power of the Dominant relies upon the willingness of the submissive, but the great inherent power of the Dominant resides in her/his will and self control.

As a Domme, I strive for ultimate control over my own actions during a scene.
Do I allow passion to color my decisions?
Yes - I would stagnate otherwise.
But using passion is vastly different than being consumed by passion.
Being consumed is for the submissive - consumed by pleasure, by pain, by subspace.

There is mutual power, in the D/s exchange - it can never be forgotten that being on one's knees NEVER negates one's boundaries, or that the gift of Dominance should ever be flippantly accepted.

Too often I am privvy to stories of interactions in which a Dominant had no regard/respect for the desires of the submissive.
Alternatively, there is no lack of stories during which submissives attempt to top from the bottom and became frustrated when they were asked to truly submit or seek another partner.

It is a decision to give up power, and it is a heavy responsibility to accept that power.
When handled openly, honestly, and with mindfulness, the exchange can be complete, giving the much needed release and control desired by the submissive and Dominant.

Shameless - Redefining the Concept

As a proDomme, I have been referred to as shameless by both proponents and detractors of my work.

Shameless, as it is most commonly used, denotes a female who is overtly sexual in appearance, action, language, or all three.

Shameless = hussy.
Shameless = slut.


What a strange and twisted turn of verbal and lingual events.

I propose that we must secure the literal meaning of the word.
Shameless: without shame, lacking shame, devoid of shame.

We must secure this absence of shame for all consenting adults who seek to explore and participate fully in their own sexuality and the sexuality of consenting partners.

We must, one by one, abolish shame from the pursuit of sexual self-awareness.
We cannot equate recklessness with freedom.
We must take responsibility for our sexuality in every sense.

We must replace shame with determination and a commitment to discovery and respect of our sexual selves and those of our partners.

I am without shame.
I am Shameless.