How My Submission Informs My Dominance

I began my journey as a psychologically based Dominant, focusing mainly on interrogative styles of interaction between submissive and Dominant.

I was primarily interested in the Female/male power exchange dynamic.

I found that my personality drove me to find out as many details as possible about my submissives, and that I put a heavy emphasis on conversation surrounding scenes in order to put my submissives at ease and to ensure that they were in a peaceful mental state both before and after each scene.  It’s fair to say that I set the mental aspects of both scene play and aftercare ahead of the physical aspects, but have never discounted the value of purely physical play/care.

As I moved through sessions, I became curious as to whether or not I could submit. I knew it would need to be with a Dominant male, and one who possessed vast experience. I started shopping, like so many young women do, hoping to find someone who would inspire, intrigue, challenge, and treasure me. I found, instead, someone who appeared, on the surface, to be all I’d envisioned, but who deteriorated over the course of three sessions. He showed himself to be an abusive man who had no idea how to deliver aftercare, and to be blunt, was most certainly a sadist who had no moral code for assessing or respecting the limits of his submissive. I will not go into detail, as to the abuse that I underwent while seeing this individual, but I will say this: because he was my first, I was afraid to say, “Red” and speak about what I didn’t like. I also realized, after I cut off communication and interaction, that I had not once been asked if I was alright, if I needed explanation, or if I needed even a glass of water during incredibly intense physically demanding scenes filled with impact play and heaving humiliation-based mind games.

This experience deeply affected me, and caused me to drastically revamp my approach with submissives. When a man told me he wanted a cruel and demanding Mistress, I would discuss with him the basis for that desire, and would clearly explain that outside the scene I would not be cruel, but that within the scene I would inhabit the persona of the cruel woman he had envisioned. I would establish check in touches, like three taps to the shoulder, which I would administer in the midst of intense play, giving the submissive the chance to tap out or take a breather if he needed one. I kept water on hand throughout any scene, as well as pretzels to feed any sub who had become so worn out that they needed a carb boost. I was trained in CPR and spoke with submissives about their health conditions and demanded complete honesty about any information that would affect their ability to participate in intensely physical scenes.

The second Dominant male with whom I ever played was the opposite of my first: he was in possession of not only vast knowledge of the scene, but also knew how to pace the relationship, how to gage my reactions to interaction, and how to train me and push me to my limits without harming either my mind or body. This individual taught me, by example, that the best Dominants are not demanding, barking orders, and instilling fear in their girls – the best Dominant males are those that can inspire their girls to be the best possible version of themselves. To say that the Daddy dynamic is important to me would be an understatement, but I think that my deeply rooted need for a father/big-brother figure Dominant is also informed by my desire to be the most caring and challenging Female Dominant possible.

I strive, with each of my submissives, to keep them on their toes, to challenge them to grow and expand their minds and physical limits. To me, this is my duty as a Dominant and someone entrusted with the minds and bodies of others in a BDSM setting. If I am not challenging the mind of a submissive, then I am not exerting my power to the best of my ability, nor am I using my imagination to the extent which my pets deserve.

Because I have been topped by the worst and best ends of the Male Dominant spectrum I know that I am driven to always exist only in the realm of positive experience and personal growth for myself and my submissive partners. In reading this, I hope that you have been inspired to analyze your own Dominant or submissive style, and that you will strive to be the best partner you can possibly be.

Alpha Males, Beta Males, and Submissive Males: Why Submission Falls Outside Male Hierarchy

A dear friend and fellow Domme wrote a blog post on FLRs (Female Led Relationships), and it sparked a conversation dealing with the terms Alpha and Beta, and how they are applied when men are in submissive roles. Here are a few thoughts that developed from my consideration of that conversation.

If an Alpha male craves participation in an FLR, it does not inherently then make him a Beta male. On the contrary, it is misrepresentative to use this term for a number of reasons:

1) An Alpha male is a leader amongst his peers. Those peers are men, in this terminology. He is the male to whom the other males defer, and who leads the "pack" at work, socially, and who is most likely the eldest or most capable male in a household growing up.

2) Being a submissive male in the bedroom, in an FLR, or in a full-on BDSM lifestyle does not negate the Alpha status of a male in the workplace and in vanilla social situations. Alpha males are alpha males, and that part of their personality is not extinguished simply because they also are desirous of submitting to a Dominant Female. To the Female, the Alpha male is certainly subordinate, but that power dynamic is outside the Alpha/Beta/Omega male hierarchy.

3) A Beta male is not a leader. He is a provider, yes, but not the head of the pack or a natural leader. Many Beta males are attractive to females, but they are not to be confused with Alphas, just as the term Beta can never be a synonym for submissive. True, many Beta males may seem "sub" to the vanilla world, but I can say with reasonable assurance that the socially Beta male seeks out submissive women so that he can have his own balance of power in the bedroom v. the workplace. And more power to him and the women who may find that to be a stellar situation.

In my opinion, Alpha males make up the largest percentage of submissive men. I'm talking about the true submissives who seek shelter in the presence of their Dominant female partners and who seek balance in knowing that once they are in that presence they are no longer in control.

Lawyers, brokers, CEOs, professional athletes, clergy, managers, business owners, and law enforcement officers are a few prime examples of the type of men who seek out Dominant women. Notice a pattern? Power, control, responsibility for others, leadership, and certainly massive amounts of pressure. There has to be a release of that pressure or, like any physicist will tell you, explosion is imminent. So, how to do it?

The answer is: Find someone who is your mental equal but who is not your peer to take over that pressure, responsibility, and leadership for whatever span of time will work for you. It could be an FLR, it could be an hour long Domme session. The result is always similar: a restoration of mental balance and relief from the weight that Alpha status puts on male shoulders.

It is far from simple for men in power to act on the need for release. They have built lives on being in control, possibly businesses and families on the same principle. They cannot be expected to simply flip and switch and suddenly feel the joy of submitting.

This is where so many men run up against the walls of their own success and status, and where it can be so very challenging, even for the most willing sub/seasoned Domme, to find a way to get an Alpha to embrace his submissive needs. (The preconceived notion that submitting might somehow "lessen" an Alpha in the male world is a common fear; that he will become Beta if he submits to a female. The logic for this is shoddy, at best, as we have already discussed the male-centric nature of the term.)

Safety and respect are paramount in bringing an Alpha male into a D/s relationship with a Dominant female. He must be made to feel secure and protected, but also respected as the "man that he is." I do not say this snarkily, but merely to emphasize that to make the transition, men must be assured that they are still Alpha males, even when on their knees...but not in charge when under command of a Mistress.

That is the great transition with which so many men struggle, especially those who transition from being in the lead at work, calling every shot, then coming home to their beloved Dommes and feeling, sometimes, that they must "flip a switch." Like any Alpha, there is probably a bit of the perfectionist driving them to immediately be the personification of submission when they come home, but it is a difficult switch to flip after a long day of being in control. You get on a roll, as it were, and to be taken out of that can be jarring.

This is why, dear Dommes/Dominants, it is paramount to always remind your submissive Alphas that they are no longer in the spotlight when they come home or enter your dungeon - it is time for them to let all of the pressure go, and simply listen.

Don't think,
don't stress,
don't do anything but follow Our lead.
Don't put yourself in Alpha mode,
it will be there when we're done.
Here, on your knees,
you need only submit.

Sometimes, a Domme needs a Wake-up call from Her submissive (A Treatise on Trust)

Let's take a moment to discuss lifestyle submission.
Not once-a-week session submission (which, if that's your thing, more power to you), but the type of submission that occurs between two people who have chosen each other as partners in and out of the bedroom.

Lifestyle submission requires far more than sexual attraction, consent, a fancy set of whips, and two minds that get off on power exchange.
It requires trust.
Boatloads of trust - from both parties.

Trust is a huge barrier for many Dominants. We become so focused on controlling situations, giving control to those who ask for it, and maintaining control over our own demons that we forget or hide from the fact that we MUST put faith and trust in those who are worthy of it.

During this week, my pet and I have faced the challenge of my post-op recovery. Anyone who knows me will attest to my poor behavior, as a patient. I will try to do too much, I will resist care, and I will become angry when I'm called out on my lack of adherence to Dr's orders.

My pet diligently and unwaveringly has called me out, and shown me sense.
And guess what?
He did that in the true spirit of a submissive - he acted as my protector.
He trusted himself, and he trusted his own abilities, even when I refused to do so.

He protected me from my own inappropriate behavior.
He was respectful, but honest, when telling me I was not doing what was best for my health.
He told me, point blank, that my behavior was hurting me and hurting him.

He has put his life in my hands, physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. He pointed out that I need to entrust my health to him and put my care into his hands.

Allowing our submissives to care for us is not weakness.
It is not submission.
It is not an abandonment of our posts.

We must remember to put the same trust in our beloved pets as they have put in us.

"How Do You Make a pet/sub/slave Feel Completely Owned?"

"Mme. - i am wondering how you make pets to feel owned? i am wondering for a long time how Women make men feel safe and [like] property."

After a bit of Tweeting back and forth last night, I received the above question in my inbox.

To begin, I applaud the phrasing and joint expression of safety and feeling like property.
To many (I'd imagine the majority) of men, it must seem like a contradiction in terms to feel safe BECAUSE you are property.
So many males will never know the security and peace afforded by letting go of the control to which they cling throughout the work day.
For submissive men, those who are enlightened and privy to the ecstatic release and calm bliss that accompanies being owned, this post may seem like one big "Duh!" moment.

Read it anyway: new perspective should never be ignored.

It is not considered acceptable in much of modern global society for men to feel the security enjoyed by women who are homemakers, stay at home wives, or stay at home mothers - that sense of security and being provided for by the person they happen to adore and trust with their daily well-being as they live productive lives within safe and secure walls.
(I do not, in any way, propose that the means to making pets feel owned is by throwing money at them and inviting them into your home to live with you.)

What I am proposing is that the same sense of security enjoyed by stay-at-home women can be achieved through routine, non-sexual interaction, and creature comforts delivered in a manner that allow male slaves/pets/subs to access that sense of being provided for outside of the standard (and glorious) sexualized aspects of power-exchange.

Yes, sexual play feeds the pleasure centers of men's (and women's) brains and endears their bodies and minds to us, their Dommes.
Yes, orgasms are one of the surest ways to bind one being to another.
However, we CANNOT discount the great comfort of food and drink and bodily care, and the incorporation of it into our routines with our submissives.
The way to a man's true comfort and safety, to securing his devotion, enthrallment, and willing abandonment of power, is by encompassing all bodily comfort during play and daily routines.

Let's begin with grooming - the simple act of bathing a pet and of soothing the mind and body through warm water and soap.
How simple.
How innate a desire to give and receive such treatment.
How human.
We are giving our submissives permission to be human, around us:
not their job titles, not their macho-vanilla-world facades - just human;
naked, washed, clean, cleansed, and part of a routine that affords both exposure and security in the same act.

Moving on to eating and drinking: what simpler way could there be to provide?
It's certainly the most basic of needs - the need for water during a long and intense session.
Filling my own mouth with cold water and kissing a blindfolded submissive provides intense relief and total ownership.
I have become life, beyond metaphor and romantic notion, in providing the water necessary to keep my submissive lucid and hydrated while he is in restraints.
In the same manner, feeding small bits of pretzels covered in dark chocolate keeps the blood sugar levels stable if I am putting a sub through his/her paces. There is no room for depletion - and there is no room for weakness, physically.
A session must leave both the Domme and sub invigorated. Subspace imparting stunned bliss and relaxation, Dommespace providing the electric high that can be ridden for hours.

Food, especially full meals, can be incorporated into sessions as a way of gently and unflinchingly showing the submissive that he is no longer in control of any aspect regarding his body.
You, the Dominant, are going to provide, possibly hand feed, and ensure that nourishment of the body happens internally before you provide sensory, emotional, and mental nourishment through a session.

Through this total and holistic approach, ownership is made complete.
Pets are given security above and beyond sexual fulfillment - they are given permission to submit to their Mistress without reservation.

"Forced Bisexual Activity - Is it an option for Your submissives, as a ProDomme?"

"my question is around forced bi activity. for me the highest level of trust is to do for your MISTRESS thing that you didn't think you will ever do and when you trust her, every barrier is crossed without hesitation. how difficult is to make sub having homosexual activity if he is not naturally BI sexual? is it something YOU will recommend to most Mistress and subs?"

IMPORTANT NOTE: This question is being asked in the context of TPE (total power exchange) in which the submissive male has willingly and with full understanding given a Dominant Female power to choose his sexual partners. There is no sexual abuse, rape, or non-consensual interaction.

So, we're discussing the "forcing of bisexual activity" on a straight sub, as part of instruction in a TPE relationship with his Mistress.

The fluidity of force, such as the kind present in TPE, inherently implies the opposite of force, which is willing consent.
The submissive male has WILLINGLY CONSENTED to give up the right to refuse his Mistress.
He has actively informed her that he wishes to be "forced" to do things outside of his current comfort zone.
This shows a remarkably beautiful level of trust in the Dominant Female to push limits with the utmost responsibility.

The activity described is not a game.
It is not roleplaying.
It is a Dominant Woman ordering a submissive male to engage with another male, sexually.

There are several possible purposes for this activity:

The first being to cement the submissive male's total devotion and trust in his Mistress by placing him in a situation where he must choose either his own desires or those of his Madame. (However, as with any TPE, it is the great irony that the submissive's desire IS to please the Madame, and so he must, naturally, enjoy doing whatever he is told to do, even if the activity is not one he would EVER engage in outside of his servitude to the Mistress.)

The second possible purpose is to create a scene in which a submissive male can have the freedom to explore sexual interaction with another male. So many men have been programmed and conditioned to believe that this type of sexual experimentation is so wrong, so foul, and so indicative of weakness that they require the presence of a Female Dominant to literally give them permission to explore other men.

The third possible purpose is to delve into one of the most extreme forms of sexual humiliation possible, for truly straight submissive men. For those who crave total and abject humiliation, being told to sexually please another man for the enjoyment of their Mistress is the ultimate experience in exploitation and humiliation.

I do not recommend this activity to most Mistresses or Their subs because this is a dynamic that can be realized by only the most intelligent, considerate, aware, and experienced Dommes.
It takes many months (and possibly years) of interaction, in my opinion, to build a D/s relationship to the level of trust at which a truly heterosexual submissive male could safely/sanely be commanded to sexually please another man for the Mistress.

With all safety and consent in place, the potential for pleasure during a ForcedBi scene is off the charts, for all parties involved.
I have enacted such a scene with a long-term submissive and one of his close friends, after weeks of discussion and preparation.
The two men were both interested in each other and both found a huge amount of release in being instructed to touch and be touched. Being given permission was the greatest aphrodisiac, to both of them, and the power I so clearly had over them was mind-blowingly erotic.

I highly encourage anyone considering ForcedBi play to be open, honest, and exploratory in their conversations with their Mistresses/partners.

Go forth, and be Kinky!

"What attracts you, as a ProDomme, to Sissy Play?"

"Madame, I would like to ask why you, personally, enjoy sissy-play and sissification?"

I love the personal questions!

For me, the enjoyment of sissification and sissy play comes from the extreme mental PE (power exchange) through physical modification.

There's so much to do: costumes, make up, shoes, hosiery, maid outfits, training outfits, lingerie, clit ties, taping...the list never seems to stop! The only limits on the extent of sissification are within my and my client's imagination.

I love meeting a man who in vanilla life is a suit-wearing, top exec, but who yearns to put on those red lace panties and be forced to wear lipstick and rouge.

I love tying a pretty little bow on the boy-clit of a construction worker whose body hair must be shaved, meticulously, before every session, to enhance his total transition to sissy princess.

I enjoy the process of understanding where these men come from, why they love what they love, what drives them to live such dualities of masculinity and femininity.

I enjoy watching and effecting the physical and mental transformations that occur during each session, and truly relish the trust and total honesty inherent to such intimate sessions.

Every client is so different, every set of desires so varied. I find it to be a fetish that forces me, as a professional, to be better, more imaginative, more analytical, and more creative. I am thankful for every client who presents me with the opportunity to indulge such a complex fetish!

I very much love the aspects of sissy-play within the context of personal relationships, as well.
I adore watching a cherished sub open presents that are lacey, pink, soft, flowing, and/or slutty.
The looks of happiness and girlish excitment as they shimmy into panties, skirts, and hosiery never cease to make me smile.
I love applying lip gloss, in bright sparkling flamingo pink, to the lips of sweet sissies who want nothing more than to feel pretty.

Ask-a-Domme: "How can you be a ProDomme if you've ever been a submissive?!"

"[I find it hard to understand how a Domme can feel secure in her Dominance when she has, in the past, been in a submissive position. Can you explain how you justify this, to those with whom you interact on a professional level?]"
(This question was, shall we say, originally worded in a far less tactful/grammatically correct manner. Hence, the full [ ] treatment.)

Yes. Yes, I can explain.

As with any other profession, I didn't start at the top of the food chain with all knowledge, skill, and understanding in tact. I did not wake up one morning blessed with immediate insight into how one goes about owning the mind and/or body of a submissive, nor did I inherently know how to utilize many and various implements.

I did, admittedly, come from a place of basic understanding of a submissive's need because a part of me also has those needs.

I believe, as on the Kinsey scale of sexuality, we are all along a scale of both Dominance and submission. I am, in majority, Dominant. That is a fact. I enjoy control and I enjoy leading and teaching. However, there is a part of me that is submissive. Upon first entering the scene, I believe all those who are truly curious and want to understand their desires begin as submissive (to some degree), and seek out a Dom who will teach them the ropes (pun intended).

I started as a submissive because I needed to learn how to express my Dominant tendencies before knowing any of the terminology of either mindset. I just was a sexual being needing to understand some new, strange, and intense urges. You cannot, ethically, Dominate another person when you do not understand Domination on a mental and physical level. You don't put the lash to someone's back unless you know what it feels like, nor do you use clamps, restraints, sensory toys, or anything else, unless you know exactly what they cause, physically and emotionally.

I am open about my learning as a submissive because, in the professional world, you MUST present credentials. I have a Master's and two Bachelor's degrees, all three of which I cite whenever filling out an application in the vanilla world. I would not be taken seriously or considered as a viable option for employment at the highest levels unless I had been educated and taught by those who have been in their respective fields for much longer than I.

I count myself privileged. 
I had the great honor to be taught by a man who had been in the field of Domination and Kink for an extensive period of time; a man who treasured safety and sanity alongside pleasure and mutual understanding. He, also, learned from a Dominant as a submissive. It is the natural way. In clinical terms, it is best practice.

It is because of the great gifts he gave me that I am determined to share those gifts with others, and do so professionally so that my time can be devoted to such endeavors without the distraction of other work responsibilities.

Ask-a-Domme: "How is cyber-domination possible without ever meeting in person?"

"Not to sound totally ignorant, but how in the world do you do a session through email or chat? Do you make your sub whip himself while reading from a screen?"


Domination and submission are intensely mental experiences. There is a mindset one must occupy to inhabit either the D or the s role. For many individuals, submitting mentally and emotionally is a far more important and meaningful experience than allowing another individual to strike them with any type of implement, and they achieve trust and submission through (shocker!) written correspondence with a partner of their choosing.

This type of submission (and what I believe should come before any physical submission) ensures that the submissive and Dominant understand one another thoroughly on a mental level because, hey, in verbal exchanges on the interwebs, understanding is pretty much all you've got and, in many ways, all you need.  Sure, you can have pictures and have a basic idea of your partner's dimensions, but this does not make or break a mental D/s relationship.

Interacting within a D/s dynamic is not predicated on body position, interpersonal distance, or physical input. A man two thousand miles away could be completely submissive to me without ever having met me or actually kneeled in my physical presence. How? I've owned his mind.  He's invited me into his brain, his desires, and has willingly and consciously submitted to my will.

Last time I checked, the will was an aspect that was neither dependent on touch nor dictated by distance.

For many individuals, cyber play, writing erotica, and engaging in long-distance relationships are their preferred methods of expressing their D or s identities. For personal or professional reasons, they believe that this is the safest or least messy way to maintain their vanilla lives while not denying their kinky selves. Who are we to judge another person's expression of sexuality?

Writing, chatting, taking orders, or simply checking in once a month through an e-mail can work for those who seek a purely verbal interaction. Personally, I find these types of interactions wildly fun, as it takes lots of brains and lots of imagination to make them work well.

In summation - it doesn't take a paddle, it takes two brains interfacing to make a D/s connection or to hold a session. Imagination trumps physical limitations, every time.

Who's Got the Power?: Power Exchange and Mutual Responsibility

Power exchange is defined as a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's obedience, thereby instilling happiness and mental peace for both parties through defined roles during play.

Power and authority must be willingly instilled/bestowed from one person to another.
The power is not taken, it is not forcibly turned into powerlessness.
It is willfully, actively, and consciously given to another person.

The caveat being, of course, that it can be taken back with a single utterance of the safeword.
Only the submissive can decide, with finality, her/his limits.
Those limits can be tested with consent, but never without it.

The interpersonal power of the Dominant relies upon the willingness of the submissive, but the great inherent power of the Dominant resides in her/his will and self control.

As a Domme, I strive for ultimate control over my own actions during a scene.
Do I allow passion to color my decisions?
Yes - I would stagnate otherwise.
But using passion is vastly different than being consumed by passion.
Being consumed is for the submissive - consumed by pleasure, by pain, by subspace.

There is mutual power, in the D/s exchange - it can never be forgotten that being on one's knees NEVER negates one's boundaries, or that the gift of Dominance should ever be flippantly accepted.

Too often I am privvy to stories of interactions in which a Dominant had no regard/respect for the desires of the submissive.
Alternatively, there is no lack of stories during which submissives attempt to top from the bottom and became frustrated when they were asked to truly submit or seek another partner.

It is a decision to give up power, and it is a heavy responsibility to accept that power.
When handled openly, honestly, and with mindfulness, the exchange can be complete, giving the much needed release and control desired by the submissive and Dominant.