The Duality of Switches

Switches have been described as many things: confused and greedy being the primary titles thrown their way. When a woman identifies as a switch, many will tell her that she is really just a brat, a willful submissive, or that she simply wants to top from the bottom.

Male switches are also typified as either greedy or only looking to be Dominant, with their submission classified as wanting to be pampered or "being taken care of" instead of putting in the "work of Domination."

Switches are not unicorns. We're not confused. We are simply comfortable, aware, and willing to inhabit the duality that is inherent to Switch sexuality.

I know that I am a very Dominant woman, both in the bedroom and in my day to day life. I'm used to being in control, having the final word, solving problems, delegating tasks, and ensuring that my professional and personal life flow smoothly under my guidance. 

I also know that there is a very real, vibrant, and powerful part of my sexuality and mentality that is submissive, to extreme degrees. I know that there are many nights when I want to be put on my knees, look up, and find the peace that exists in the hands of a Dom that will take my power and exert his will over mine.

This duality may confuse some. To those with highly polarized sexuality (strict Tops, pure bottoms) it may seem disingenuous when someone can move between roles with fluidity. 

Moving between roles, however, does not lend less credulity to either role or either set of experiences. I love to flog my pet before edging him. I also love being on the receiving end of wax and knife play while being restrained and blindfolded.

I believe that the ability and need to switch stems from an immersive view of life - as a Switch, I want to express all that is within me, and share that expression with both submissive and Dominant partners. This can be very threatening for those who submit - it raises the question, "How can you be my Dominant but bend the knee to someone else? Doesn't that make you less dominant with me?"

The answer is no. My interaction as a submissive has nothing to do with my scenes or relationships as a Dom. There is separation and equality between these two pieces of my sexuality and personality, and I firmly believe that my Domination is enhanced by my submission, and vice versa. If I understand what it is to crawl and beg and be pushed past my limits, then it more fully enables me to do those same things to my pets and SAFELY push their limits. 

Dominants have also questioned my ability to truly submit if I am used to being Dominant with other partners. My explanation to them is this: when I offer myself and my power over to a Dominant, I am submitting in that moment and with my whole self. Within that scene or relationship, I am handing over my power and offering myself for the pleasure and enjoyment of the Dominant. I'm not harboring designs to top from the bottom or suddenly try to take over control of the situation.

For those who engage with Switches, remember that we want to talk about all the luscious desires that are floating in and around us. We are studies in duality, but this does not lessen our sincerity with partners.

Balancing Dominant/submissive Dynamics and Evolutionary Needs

A long time ago I had to learn that there isn't ownership of a sub toward a Dom, and that jealousy is the death of happiness in a D/s dynamic.

I own my pet, but if he tried to own me it would create an awful dynamic. The very definition of Topping from the bottom is a sub attempting to control the actions, decisions, and interactions of their Dom.

It is not the role of a submissive to dictate My behavior; it is My job as the submissive's Dominant to act in a manner that keeps my submissive safe, cared for, satisfied, and which encourages that submissive to grow and evolve in their life, both Kinkily and personally.

When there's open and consistent analysis and conversation, this dynamic can flourish. I use the word analysis because there's a very high degree of consideration, introspection, and comparative critical thinking that's necessary to maintain the delicate balance between a Dominant and submissive, especially when the Dominant maintains a stable of submissives rather than interacting purely 1:1 with a single pet.

When I've been topped, or when I'm owned, I enjoy knowing that I don't have to be jealous because the concept simply is inapplicable.

To be owned means to let go of the need for control, not only over yourself but also over the other person's emotions. You become a cherished possession, but not an equal or dictating force. It is the peace of a servant, pet, and slave to be told, to listen, to adhere, to receive, and to give permission to their Dom for such a power exchange to occur.

I'm of the belief that the typical Dominant individual craves the constant variance afforded by polyamorous/stable interaction with several submissives because it allows the Dominant to flex different styles of dominance, play, and influence, thereby building Her/His repertoire and continuing to evolve.

When jealousy and shut mouths enter the fray, even the most caring Dominant and submissive/s relationship can fall to pieces. Jealousy is the deadliest emotion for a submissive, often turning their love for a Dominant into a need merely to fend off any other submissives who would "steal" or "lessen" attention for themselves. The solution, in my own experience, to jealousy is to realize that each pet is cherished as an individual, not as one of several identical possessions.

We don't wear one outfit, eat one meal, or watch one television show. We don't adore one song, one artist, or one instrument and forsake all others. We thrive, as humans, on variety and the ever evolving variances in our own tastes, abilities, and desires.

Submissives, realize that your greatest asset is your individuality and unique talents - they are what caused your Dominant to choose you, spend time with and on you, and care for you and your needs.

Dominants, remember, if you wish to continue to grow and also interact with a growing number of submissives: be sure that you can appreciate, care for, and encourage each of them to the best of your ability while also receiving what you desire.

Online Domination - What makes it work?

Domination that is distance or online regulated is a highly intellectual experience and, therefore, requires not only imagination but also creativity and problem solving in order to maintain excitement between partners.

The cornerstone of this relationship is mental attraction, with each partner taking on the responsibility of mentally stimulating and motivating the other. Typically, it must be two evenly matched individuals to ensure that long distance D/s play succeeds - boredom is the enemy that can only be kept at bay by constant invention.

When partners are mismatched (for example, the sub having little exposure to mental play or the Dom having less experience than the sub) it can be taxing to maintain the freshness of interaction or the pace at which the relationship can grow. When a pair is evenly matched in both expectation and dedication to interaction, there is fertile ground for a growing and rewarding relationship.

 As with any D/s interaction, there is a process through which the ability to interact over great distances or online are proven. There must be proven worth, from the submissive especially, showing that s/he is capable of adhering to commands without physical check ins or inspections. Honesty is paramount in both sides of this equation, and time dedicated to interaction must be rationed until a deeper level of commitment has been deemed appropriate.

It's in this beginning phase where a D/s dynamic is tested for the mental aptitude that will be necessary to keep up the sexual momentum of those first heated textual exchanges that so often begin online interaction.

 I took the time to ask one of my online submissives to tell me about his take on online submission (with an emphasis on chastity), and the following are my questions and his answers. Enjoy!


For how long have you engaged with a Dominant Woman online?

Well, we met online over 2 years ago, but I only started submitting properly 18 months ago. This was my first and, like all relationships, it can take a while to recognise absolute compatibility. With something as serious as chastity, neither of us wanted to jump into something that didn't have any future or potential.

 What drew you to such an interaction?

Mutual interests, first and foremost. We started to chat online about domination, BDSM, D/s relationships and such like initially. Then, once we started to delve a little deeper into our fantasies and interests, it was clear that we shared many of them. It was so refreshing to hear someone else describe their desires almost as if they could read your mind.

What makes chastity erotic? 

That's a tough question! I find it very ironic. The fact that someone denying my erections and my orgasms arouses me never ceases to make me smile. Part of it, certainly, is the control. Having any aspect of your life controlled by another is, to someone submissive, wonderful. If it's of a sexual nature then it's even better. For me, having the most sexual part of my body controlled is simply fantastic. Being erect and achieving orgasm are both such amazing feelings that having them controlled is an immense turn on. It makes them so very special when they do happen. Mentally, I notice a change too. After a couple of weeks there's an increased sexual arousal that I only have when denied. I love it.

What is pleasurable about another person controlling your ability to become hard? Your ability to have an orgasm? 

That's the submissive part of me that enjoys those aspects of it. I love being controlled and being controlled sexually is an unbelievable high. Physically I may be restrained, but mentally I'm more turned on than ever whenever I'm told I'm not allowed to get hard or not allowed to cum.

Are you always honest with your Dominant?

I try to be. At first, it was difficult when we talked about subjects and turn ons that I was, initially, embarrassed about. Once I realised that there was no need for shame, it became a lot easier. Nowadays, we both try to be as honest as we can with each other. Of course, we still have bad days and there are times when I have had enough and just want to break the lock, remove the device and make myself cum. I try to be honest about those feelings, we discuss them and then move forward.

What makes it easier/harder to talk online?

I think it's easier to find a compatible person online as you can speak honestly about subjects that are usually considered taboo and not be afraid. You can become a member of a specific niche erotic group from the comfort of your own living room and meet likeminded people. Once you've met, it doesn't matter if you chat online or in person as you know the other's interests and need not be afraid to talk about your desires. AlthoughI think, for me, it will always be a little easier online.

Are you more or less open online than you are in person?

More, for sure. It's easier to be honest behind a computer, for me anyway. Certainly initially, when you have nothing to lose. You can have an online identity and keep your personal life a secret until you have built up enough trust.

Have your desires evolved since you began being Dominated?

Definitely! When I started I was interested in chastity, orgasm control and anal play. Since meeting, we have discovered that I'm very much turned on by other things that were deeper inside me. Things I didn't realise or know about. Cuckolding, for example. I'd love to be there whilst my Madame is intimate with another. We have also discussed activities that, not too long ago, I would never have even entertained. Things like forced bi. I could be told to drop to my knees and perform oral sex on my Madame's partner whilst they kiss. Before we met online, I would never have even entertained such a thought. We've talked about this when we meet. I must admit I am very, very nervous about having my first sexual experience with another man, but I would never have even talked about it a while ago. We've discussed cuckolding and forced bi for when we meet. She'll be with her man who has a frighteningly large, pierced penis and how she'd enjoy watching me suck my first cock. I'd then be tied to the bed face up and she'd lie on top of me in a 69 position so I could pleasure her with my mouth as her man slide in and out. We've also talked about other things, like public displays of affection. One of the things I'm most looking forward to is meeting her for the first time, bowing down and delicately kissing her feet. My desires have also become grounded, since being dominated. For example, as much as I'd enjoy it, I know I will never be allowed inside her. The most I can hope for is to be there whilst someone else pleasures her in that way. I also know that the strict orgasm control will continue. As much as I may fantasise about being stroked and edged every day, the reality is that I may be granted an orgasm (if I'm lucky) and it may or may not be her giving it to me. She may just permit me to jack off quickly in front of her, which would still be wonderful.

What has contributed to this evolution? Your Madame? Your self? 

I think both of us, but it's more her recognising things in me that I didn't know myself. She could see how submissive I was before I even knew it myself. She could tell things about me, traits she recognised through experience, that have come true. It's been eye opening, for me.

How My Submission Informs My Dominance

I began my journey as a psychologically based Dominant, focusing mainly on interrogative styles of interaction between submissive and Dominant.

I was primarily interested in the Female/male power exchange dynamic.

I found that my personality drove me to find out as many details as possible about my submissives, and that I put a heavy emphasis on conversation surrounding scenes in order to put my submissives at ease and to ensure that they were in a peaceful mental state both before and after each scene.  It’s fair to say that I set the mental aspects of both scene play and aftercare ahead of the physical aspects, but have never discounted the value of purely physical play/care.

As I moved through sessions, I became curious as to whether or not I could submit. I knew it would need to be with a Dominant male, and one who possessed vast experience. I started shopping, like so many young women do, hoping to find someone who would inspire, intrigue, challenge, and treasure me. I found, instead, someone who appeared, on the surface, to be all I’d envisioned, but who deteriorated over the course of three sessions. He showed himself to be an abusive man who had no idea how to deliver aftercare, and to be blunt, was most certainly a sadist who had no moral code for assessing or respecting the limits of his submissive. I will not go into detail, as to the abuse that I underwent while seeing this individual, but I will say this: because he was my first, I was afraid to say, “Red” and speak about what I didn’t like. I also realized, after I cut off communication and interaction, that I had not once been asked if I was alright, if I needed explanation, or if I needed even a glass of water during incredibly intense physically demanding scenes filled with impact play and heaving humiliation-based mind games.

This experience deeply affected me, and caused me to drastically revamp my approach with submissives. When a man told me he wanted a cruel and demanding Mistress, I would discuss with him the basis for that desire, and would clearly explain that outside the scene I would not be cruel, but that within the scene I would inhabit the persona of the cruel woman he had envisioned. I would establish check in touches, like three taps to the shoulder, which I would administer in the midst of intense play, giving the submissive the chance to tap out or take a breather if he needed one. I kept water on hand throughout any scene, as well as pretzels to feed any sub who had become so worn out that they needed a carb boost. I was trained in CPR and spoke with submissives about their health conditions and demanded complete honesty about any information that would affect their ability to participate in intensely physical scenes.

The second Dominant male with whom I ever played was the opposite of my first: he was in possession of not only vast knowledge of the scene, but also knew how to pace the relationship, how to gage my reactions to interaction, and how to train me and push me to my limits without harming either my mind or body. This individual taught me, by example, that the best Dominants are not demanding, barking orders, and instilling fear in their girls – the best Dominant males are those that can inspire their girls to be the best possible version of themselves. To say that the Daddy dynamic is important to me would be an understatement, but I think that my deeply rooted need for a father/big-brother figure Dominant is also informed by my desire to be the most caring and challenging Female Dominant possible.

I strive, with each of my submissives, to keep them on their toes, to challenge them to grow and expand their minds and physical limits. To me, this is my duty as a Dominant and someone entrusted with the minds and bodies of others in a BDSM setting. If I am not challenging the mind of a submissive, then I am not exerting my power to the best of my ability, nor am I using my imagination to the extent which my pets deserve.

Because I have been topped by the worst and best ends of the Male Dominant spectrum I know that I am driven to always exist only in the realm of positive experience and personal growth for myself and my submissive partners. In reading this, I hope that you have been inspired to analyze your own Dominant or submissive style, and that you will strive to be the best partner you can possibly be.

BDSM Education of the Vanilla World - A Call For Change

Kink – such a small, simple word – is the blanket term we give to creative sexual expression. Kink is the permission we give ourselves to explore what it is that turns us on, and the way in which we can most fully experience the bodies and minds of others in a sexual context.

A great segment of the Vanilla world lives in a repressed and sexually stigmatized reality, a reality in which looking outside the sexual norm means people will be ostracized, excluded, and derided by the majority. For so many, it is this slavery to the perceived cultural majority that keeps them from taking the time to understand themselves. This is the barrier that stands in the way of so much of the Western world: the barrier of perceived “normalcy” and mental slavery to the group before the self.

In a time where the headlines are rife with cases of domestic sexual abuse, female genital mutilation, sex trafficking, and endless other examples of repressed sexuality turning into violence against humanity, it is the responsibility of the Kinky Community to educate others on the myriad avenues of sexual expression available through Kink and BDSM.  It is our responsibility to share our stories of self-awareness, self-exploration, and finding communities in which we are allowed to mentally and sexually thrive.

We see horrifying examples like the Duggar family, in which a cult of reproduction reduces women to vessels and controls female and male sexual pleasure, negating freedom and exploration through shame and proprietary mandates.  We know that sexual repression results in sexual violence, abuse, rape, personal shame, stifled growth of self awareness, and deep rooted fear of sexuality and our own bodies. This invasive and frightening “family value” of owning female sexuality and female bodies cannot be allowed to continue to permeate the national psyche, and it needs an antidote.

I propose that we can be that antidote. Through teaching, through starting conversations in bars, through women teaching women (and men) about the Kinky way – the way of exploration and awareness – we can counteract the typical American majority of repression.

How many women and men forgo seeking out true sexual fulfillment because they are worried about how they will be perceived? How many persons of every gender remain trapped in monotonous sexual routines (or lack of sexual interaction) because they believe it is better to stay “safe” than to find what they truly desire?

If we are to be ambassadors of Kink and BDSM, if we are to stand outside of the closet and speak with a sexually positive voice, then we must reach out to both the new members of our community and those outside of the community who question their ability to stretch the boundaries of their experience. We must promote self-awareness, on sexual and platonic levels. We must strive to uphold transparency, critical awareness of our own prejudices, and the desire to lead by an example of open dialogue amongst our own community and the Vanilla world that so often looks in but is afraid to join in.

The Alpha Complex

We live in a world of absolutes: The perceived Alpha male and Alpha female, the hierarchy of financial and social elitism. We are judged by what we possess and control, not necessarily by our methods of acquiring or maintaining that control.

In the BDSM world, this is also true. It's a game of appearance, of who has the most sway, the most exposure, the most followers, the greatest perceived power and reputation.

We must fight this system.

We must remember that humility and the pursuit of knowledge must be cornerstones of any D/s interaction.

Being a true Alpha means that we must be leaders, caretakers, and those responsible for the continuing growth of positive understanding in our community.

Tops, Doms, and all who exert control over others must realize and enact the truths of motivation and execution as being the key differences between responsible and reprehensible action.

Topping and Domination are not the full exertion of power over another without question.
Submission is a gift, given by the submissive, and which can be revoked at any time. Too often, submissives feel they must please their Dom to the point of losing sight of their own mental health and physical needs.

This is not the way to conduct a D/s relationship.

There must be communication. There must be understanding of the whole person, on both sides of the equation.
Meeting once before jumping into a scene can result in disaster.
Having unclear channels of communication, or NO communication, is a surefire way to ensure unsafe play and physical/mental harm.

Do your due diligence.

Doms: vetting your subs for experience level and understanding of the lifestyle and/or play is imperative - having clear limits is too often overlooked in the heat of wanting to get the high of a "spontaneous" or "genuine" scene. Don't be lured by the sub who wants to "give up everything to you" - chances are, they have no idea what this really means.

Subs: Be honest when looking for a play partner. Don't embellish experience level, or feel you have to feign knowledge of the MYRIAD terms thrown around when discussing the lifestyle. You are as you are - and that is enough

The Empathic Succubus

This piece was written in order to better explain my own Female Dominant mindset. Hopefully, it opens doors in the minds of my readers, both the Dominant Females and the submissive males, and all in between.

Do you know that being an empathic succubus leaves me in a rather enviable predicament?
Whatever you feel, I feel, and draw out of you back into myself.
Every twinge, every small thrill, they feed me and ensure I return, night after night, to crouch over you and settle myself over your cock.
Your pleasure becomes mine, and never truly belongs to either of us.
Feeding on your energy keeps me satisfied only for the length of time during which you are aroused.
Once that has passed, I must feed my addiction and use your brain and cock, again.
You're a feast, one that is replenished only to be repeatedly devoured.
How does it feel to know that I feed on you, even from a great distance?
Crouching over your brain keeps my pussy, mouth, and mind very pleased.
It's what keeps me pulling the strings:
Knowing that you're an ever so willing victim.
So much of you craves control and so much of you loves to be at the end of strings
You are the only feast that never ends, and my pride furthers, in this:
You are the only one for whom it has taken so long to openly admit the need.
Now, my nights of riding you are feeding me, ten fold,
Feeding and feeding...
Your mind, sweet mouse, is such a decadently appointed playground.
I'll happily swing from your medulla, for many, many years.
Feed me,
And keep my brain and cunt ever so happy,
Your cock, your brain, your ever beautiful body
They have always been the toys of the darker edges of my brain.
You may as well revel in that fact.
Imagine me above you,
Willing you to give me everything of which your body is capable,
Energy dark and your mind in its basest need -
That's what I draw out of you.
That's what keeps me fed, whole, and satisfied, if only for a little while.
Your darkness is so very beautiful, to me;
Your submission to both it and me gives me peace:
Your submission, your mind turning to me, is the most beautiful sacrifice any succubus could demand.
You see?
Poetry is not always a static thing.
Sometimes, it pours out from my brain to yours without clumsily written words housing the base meaning.
My beautiful dark victim,
My sweet mouse,
So eager and so caged within himself...
I love that I can bring you out and play with you,
Hold you tightly in the vise of my words and thighs and mouth:
The taste of you and your openness is the sweetest thing there is.
Know that I'm above you,
All the curves
All the suddenness
All the softness
All aching warmth
All I ever was.
You are the victim to which I return
Because you are the only one who never once begged to be taken.
And when the mood passes, the knowledge will stay:
You are, little muse and mouse, so many things,
Not the least of which is a prized possession.